Wild Kingdom comes to town, but remain calm

Like many of you, when I saw those stories of cougar-sightings in the suburbs, my first thought was that the "Sex and the City" cast was in town doing a promotional tour for the new movie. This week's news that Chicago cops had gunned down a cougar on the North Side had celebrity-death pool participants wondering who had Kim Cattrall.

So I was surprised when it turned out to be an actual big cat -- a wild mountain lion in the urban jungle (OK, the nice neighborhood of Roscoe Village).

The cougar wasn't the first stranger to be gunned down in an alley after roaming into the wrong neighborhood, but it was the first man-eater (again, not a Kim Cattrall reference) to be killed in Cook County.

But our 21st-century suburbs are developing a Wild West, 19th-century attitude. In the last couple of years, our suburban newspaper had written more stories about wild cougars, coyotes, exotic bird visitors and even slither-away pet boa constrictors and pythons than we have about lawn-edging.

After a late-night shopping trip to Jewel the other night, I walked into a nearly deserted suburban parking lot and got the creeps.

What if a wild cougar were lurking ironically behind that Mercury Cougar? What if coyotes were hunkered down behind that Chevy Impala, licking their lips at the prospect of a prey that carries a bag full of appetizers and dessert offerings? Is that a tree limb or a Burmese python? Could there be a pride of escaped zoo lions using a GMC Safari for cover before they pounce? Someone has to be the first Illinois person to report a grizzly bear sighting -- what if it's me?

As a scared, frustrated and maybe even bitter Midwesterner, I feel this odd desire to cling to religion and guns. So I say a quick prayer and pop into Maxon Shooters Supplies & Indoor Range in Des Plaines.

Do suburbanites come in here seeking guns to protect themselves from the advance of the wild kingdom?

"No, never have," says owner Barry Levine.

Well, given that the cops hit the cougar with seven shots and put plenty more into the air to bring down the 122-pounder, what is the preferred cougar gun, or at least something to keep those baying coyotes at bay?

"I wouldn't even make a recommendation because I don't want anybody shooting a gun in the city limits," Levin says. "Don't do it."

But if you live in the far exburb boonies where some limited hunting is allowed, and you need to kill something wild that is close enough to eat you, a shotgun is the weapon of choice.

"It's got all the energy in the world, and you don't have to be a good shot to hit something," says Levin, a hunter who eschews trophies and shoots only what he eats.

A long-range deer rifle requires a careful marksman.

"If you are shooting at something 300 yards away, you've got to worry about what's 400 yards away -- a neighbor's house?" Levine notes.

Illinois statutes have a wildlife code that covers everything from coyotes, chickadees and crows to beavers, bobcats and bald eagles. But it doesn't say anything about cougars.

"It shall be unlawful for any person to take any other living wild animal not covered by this Act without the permission of the landowner or tenant," reads the code.

"If the animal is not protected by the wildlife code in Illinois, you can shoot, although the land owner has authority. It's at the discretion of the land owner," explains Paris Ervin, spokeswoman for the Illinois Department of Natural Resources. "There's no DNR statute that authorizes a citizen to kill a wild animal in self-defense."

However, in the case of a surprise cougar, "typically you don't have time to ask," Ervin adds.

So it's a tough call for residents of the suburban jungle. But if a panda pounces from the bamboo cover around your backyard koi pond, do the smart thing and get a cell phone video of the encounter up on the Internet.