Parents are along for the ride no matter kids' ages

I've been a driving instructor to most of my younger siblings and all of my own kids. I think I get recruited for this job because I'm usually pretty patient and relaxed, at least on the outside. I am also willing to let my students learn from experience, as long as it is safe.

This job is about to come to an end as my youngest daughter is a few months away from getting her license. She is actually proving to be a good driver, cautious and responsible.

Of course, there was the time we were sitting in the left-turn lane and she was surprised to learn that, if we had a green light, the speeding cars coming the other way had a green light, too. Fortunately, we hadn't turned in front of them…yet.

Out driving a few weeks ago, I was struck by just how much control of her life and my life my daughter had taken. Her physical well being, my physical well being, as well as the physical well being of a whole lot of other people out there, depended on her skill as a driver. Then I realized that this was a good metaphor for what was happening in the rest of our lives.

We really have two basic jobs as parents. First, we want to love our kids so much that they know they are capable of both receiving and giving love. Second, we want to help them develop the life skills they need to make their way in the world as competent and confident adults.

Our children never stop needing or wanting our love. Loving is a lifetime vocation for parents. Good parents, though, work themselves out of the second job.

We get our kids to the point where they don't need us to tell them what to do or how to do it. We may act as senior advisers or consultants, but they take control of their own lives.

Now, when it comes to our giving up this second job, our children are usually ready for us to retire a whole lot sooner than we parents are. They may not be ready from our perspective, but they sure are from theirs. Regardless of whether they are ready or not, they will sooner or later "take the wheel" and "drive off" on their own.

The problem is, we are still in the car, or at least our hearts are. In loving them, we remain vulnerable to all the emotional ups and downs of watching our children encounter all the risks and challenges of adult life.

We not only feel for them, but usually feel with them. When they celebrate, we celebrate. When they suffer, we suffer. Short of not loving them, which I don't think is possible for a healthy parent, there is nothing we can do to protect ourselves from the emotional consequences of the lives they live. We aren't in the driver's seat, but we sure are along for the ride.

This comes as a surprise to some parents. It certainly did to me. I don't often tell my kids just how much I feel with them; they don't need that burden. I am acutely aware, however, that my emotions are finely tuned to just how well things are going in my children's lives. That is true if they are 15 or 30.

Oh, one final complication. I have grandchildren. And I have found myself similarly sympathetic to their emotions as well.

I don't know how we parents can insulate ourselves from the emotional consequences of our children's lives. And I wouldn't want to if I could. I am along for the ride, no matter how bumpy it might be.