Does 'for better or worse' include $4,300 hookers?

In a scandal that erupted and reached a conclusion of sorts in just 72 hours this week, a dash of the scorn thrown the way of disgraced Democratic New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer spilled onto his wife.

It is easy to dump on a public official who made his career as a crime buster and then threw it all away on illegal and expensive hookups with prostitutes. But lots of folks with opinions thought Silda Spitzer, by standing alongside her husband at those press conferences this week, wasn't acting the way a woman should.

We had become a nation of sitcom-worthy, finger-snapping wise-crackers as we scolded, "Don't you go standing by that lowlife of a man, girlfriend."

We have a history. We derided Hillary Clinton for sitting next to Bill during a "60 Minutes" discussion of infidelity, and for sticking with him after Monica. We mock the parade of wives who stand next to a husband who had an affair, solicited sex in an airport bathroom or announced he is gay. I'm curious about how we'd react (but I can't even think of a case) if it were the husband standing beside his famous, cheating wife.

Some people "know" that a strong woman in that situation should say adios, grab the kids and let the man stand alone in the media spotlight. A few said Silda Spitzer should have slapped her cheating husband in front of the TV cameras before she left him wallowing in his own destruction. Radio host Laura Schlessinger even implied that Silda Spitzer deserves blame as a negligent wife who drove her husband into the arms of hookers.

Comparing Silda Spitzer to "some prop to be shamed," one columnist speculated that during a momentary glance at the ceiling, "it seemed she saw infinity" and betrayals "loud and fantastic" and "silent and unspoken."

Wow. Maybe she did see infinity and all that stuff. I don't have a clue.

Marriage is not subject to the rules of "American Idol," where strangers can call in their votes about what a couple should do. On their wedding days, most married couples make some sort of vow "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live."

Eliot Spitzer clearly leaped headlong into "worse," and violated his part of the marriage contract, but does that automatically mean the marriage is null and void?

Not to Gary Long, a deacon at St. Mary Parish in Buffalo Grove.

"You can make it work, if you truly try," says Long.

Married 51 years, Long and his wife, Jere, run the church's FOCCUS program (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study) for couples planning to be married.

At their meeting Friday night, Long gives couples a Spitzer-like scenario to consider. Page 47, line 142 of the FOCCUS program says: "I could not, under any condition, remain married to my spouse if he or she were ever unfaithful to me."

Long says men generally react viscerally, confident that would end the marriage. Women less so. While Long and his Catholic Church are against adultery and still "quite vehement about a marriage being for life," he does allow that "you cannot answer that question until you experience it."

The church, which also runs a Marriage Encounter program to "revitalize" unions, has seen marriages survive and even become stronger after the "better" becomes the "worse."

"There is also a thing called forgiveness. We push forgiveness in our daily Masses," Long says, acknowledging that "some things are more difficult to forgive than others."

Thankfully, my wife and I don't have to wonder how she'd react if I spent $4,300 on a hooker. But I imagine she'd be less than happy even I if secretly spent $4,300 on her anniversary present.