Parents' knee-jerk 'no' can prevent good lesson

We may be neglecting one of the most powerful tools in parenting -- the word "yes."

Let's say we're shopping with our 5-year-old at the local discount store. Not too surprisingly, he wants everything in sight, especially if it has to do with Batman.

Now, we could waste our breath saying "no" a couple of dozen times. Or, we could try saying "yes."

"Yes, you can have a toy. If you'll calm down and cooperate with me, I'll let you pick something when we're ready to go."

Chances are we will get some peace and quiet, our son will have learned a small lesson in the rewards of patience, and we will both enjoy a positive resolution to an otherwise escalating conflict.

Later that afternoon, our 12-year-old comes to us with a real crisis. A rerun of her all-time favorite TV show has been scheduled at 4 p.m., right in the middle of her daily homework time. And as we won't let her watch TV and do her homework at the same time, she just doesn't know what she's going to do.

Though it is certainly tempting to respond to such a dilemma with a "no" and say "you know we agree that 3:30 to 5:30 is for homework only …" -- we might also try a "yes" and say "Let's look at what homework has to be done for tomorrow and whether you can schedule time to get it done after supper. If that works we can make an exception to the rule."

Once again, we get to teach our child a lesson about scheduling time and also show some reasonable flexibility as a parent. Everybody wins.

We've no sooner resolved this crisis than our 16-year-old rushes in. His friend Tom, who was supposed to drive everybody to practice, has been grounded. There are now five teens waiting for a ride that isn't coming. We have the only mini-van able to hold everybody. Can he borrow the car?

Our car driving all over town filled with six teenage boys? You've got to be kidding.

On the other hand, maybe there's a way to say "yes" here, too. We could agree to our son's plan, and then sit down with him and have him lay out for us what route to and from everyone's houses and the school he plans to take, what he sees as reasonable rules for his friends in our car, and discuss the distractions inherent in having a van full of teenagers. A short, local, daytime excursion like this might be a good experience for us both in deciding just how responsible he can be.

Last example: As we are standing in the driveway watching our new van slowly drive down the block, our newly responsible teenager at the wheel, we turn to hear our 3-year-old proclaim "I go cross the street." This is obviously time for an immediate and firm "no!"

However, we can even add a "yes" here. Let's say it turns out that our daughter says she wants to visit her best friend, who does happen to live across the street. We could go in and call our neighbors and see if their little girl could come over to play with our child for a while.

I think you get the idea. Every day there will be all sorts of opportunities for using "yes" in our parenting. And we can still set appropriate limits, hold our children responsible, and even discipline them when necessary.

All this, while just saying "yes."