Give the gift of forgiveness this holiday season

The holidays are a perfect time to practice the divine -- and sometimes really hard -- work of forgiveness.

That's because, along with the cards, brightly wrapped gifts and elaborate meal, the holidays can also bring an assortment of not-so-peace-filled past issues and hurts among family members.

Sometimes even more important than mom's marvelous mashed potatoes for Christmas dinner is a good helping of forgiveness. Turns out forgiving others is a gift we give ourselves that is good for our health, too.

While we've all heard and been awed by the grace-filled forgiveness offered to killers by their victims' families, there are less dramatic opportunities for forgiveness. Research has shown that those niggling hurts simmering away can lead to a plethora of physical and emotional problems. Studies in 2001 and 2003 reported that dwelling on hurtful memories increases the stress response, raising heart rate and blood pressure. When subjects were encouraged to think forgiving thoughts, the stress response decreased.

"Heart problems, headaches, sleep disturbances, neck stress, stomach disorders, depression can all be the result of unresolved resentment and anger," said Karen L. Maudlin, a licensed clinical psychologist in Wheaton who specializes in marriage and family therapy. "Holding onto that hurt makes a huge impact on the body because you're carrying it around with you."

Susan Myoyu Andersen, spiritual director of Great Plains Zen Center in Palatine, presents one-day forgiveness workshops. She has firsthand experience in the hard, but uplifting, work of forgiving. She cites one of the last loving acts she did for her father as the first step toward forgiving him.

As 90-year-old Hambleton Palmer lay dying, Andersen massaged his hand and fingers to honor one of his final wishes -- to remove his wedding ring from his swollen finger so he could give it to his wife, Andersen's stepmother. An occupational therapist as well as a practicing Zen teacher, Andersen frequently provided lymphedema massage to patients to reduce swelling.

"I was able to get the swelling down so he could remove his wedding band and in that instant, I was able to use those skills for him and he was able to acknowledge my skills."

It wasn't always so. There certainly was no dramatic, unsavory story of abuse or injustice in this Maryland family. But there were times when Andersen felt she didn't receive the emotional nurturing that would have been helpful as she matured.

One could hardly blame Palmer -- a World War II veteran, successful mechanical engineer and well-respected sailing enthusiast -- for not understanding his only daughter's lifestyle. Becoming a Buddhist monk in 1978, Andersen donned robes, shaved her head and followed the teachings of Taizan Maezumi Roshi at the Zen Center of Los Angeles

It wasn't until after her father's death that Andersen, who lives in Des Plaines and is the mother of two, took a class led by Robert Enright, a leader in forgiveness research at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. There she learned that forgiveness is a choice in the face of wrongdoing. A purposeful letting go of resentment or revenge, it is not dependent on the person who committed the injustice changing his ways. Ironically, it is in letting go of such perceived wrongdoing that the forgiver receives the greatest gift -- healing of his or her own bitterness and resentment.

Forgiveness transcends belief systems. In fact, the Rev. Patrick Brennan of Holy Family Catholic Church in Inverness believes we may be hardwired for making peace with one another, no matter what our religious traditions may be.

"There's something built into us that wants our relationships to heal," Brennan said. "But there's another part that wants to repay the hurt. True forgiveness involves letting go of that hurt."

Brennan, author of "The Way of Forgiveness: How to Heal Life's Hurts and Restore Broken Relationships," teaches parish members a 10-step way toward forgiving others.

He agrees with other forgiveness researchers that true forgiveness is accomplished through a careful process of understanding both the offense and the offender and taking active steps to forgiveness. But there's a twist: Forgiveness must be offered freely, no strings attached, to the other person.

"Here's the paradox of forgiveness -- this greater peace doesn't come if you are doing it for yourself," explained Brennan. "The healing comes if the forgiveness is given as a gift."

Forgiveness isn't for sissies. Forgiving someone requires great strength, honesty and self-awareness.

"You can't get to forgiveness without taking a lot of hard look in the mirror. That takes courage and honesty," Maudlin said. "I always admire when people are willing to do the work of forgiveness. It speaks to the love they have for that person and for themselves."

• Susan Andersen will present a Forgiveness Workshop, Saturday 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Jan. 5 at the Great Plains Zen Center at the Countryside Unitarian Universalist Church, 1025 N. Smith Street, Palatine. Suggested donation is $20; $10 for students and seniors. To register, visit /www.greatplainszen.org or call (847) 274-4793.