A newbie's guide to Blackhawks hockey

I can no longer abide the lowly Bulls.

And thanks to Devin Hester, watching the Bears is more like watching an individual sport.

Considering that my two best buddies are long-time hockey players and fans, I figure the only potentially uplifting testosterone-filled conversation starter this winter will be the Blackhawks.

You may not remember them, the forgotten Chicago franchise to many, given their spotty record in the last four decades and the fact that Bill Wirtz kept them mostly hidden from view.

I have attended exactly one hockey game since I was fortunate enough in my youth to have seen a toothlessly smiling Bobby Hull and stick master Stan Mikita go to town on a team from Canada, if memory serves.

My buddies Pete and Rick, both semi-pro players in their day, took me to the United Center last season. It was like watching a strange ballet being played out in a foreign language. Seeing a Hawks game on TV -- yes, TV! -- with my good pal Mike a couple weeks ago was equally confusing, but HD sure made it look cool.

I figure if I'm going to have anything to talk about this winter, now that the Hawks are having a winning season, I'd need to school myself on some of the game's more unusual rules, customs and nomenclature.

If you're clueless about the game but would like to become hawkish on the Hawks, sample the fruits of my research for my version of Hawks Hockey For Dummies.

Glossary

Sweater: First off, baseball, football and basketball players wear jerseys. Hockey players wear "sweaters." OK, I guess that makes sense. Even if it sounds a little silly to you, you don't want to tell that to a defenseman.

Periods: Don't be an idiot and call them quarters. Why? Because there are only three.

High-sticking: OK, raising your stick, like pumping your fist, is fine when you're celebrating a goal. But you can't hit someone with your stick above shoulder height.

Power play: When someone on the opposing team has a player atoning for his sins in the penalty box, and you have one more man on the ice than they do. Note: This would be a real good time for you to score.

Face-off: Bad second-grade jokes aside, know what a jump ball is in the NBA? Same idea.

Offsides: OK, this has something to do with the red line and the blue line and the neutral zone and passing the puck between them. I'm convinced that nobody -- including the players and the officials -- really knows how this works, but here's the rule: The rink is divided into three by two blue lines. A player may not pass the blue line closest to his opponents' goal and enter their zone before the puck does.

Icing: This is not what the Zamboni does (read more about the Zamboni later). Icing occurs when the opposing team is on your side of the rink setting up to score on you and you intervene and smack the puck all the way down to the other end of the rink to take the heat off. Unless, of course, you're taking a shot on goal. To allow this would be to slow the game down so much that you'd probably end up with a lot of 0-0 ties. (Think soccer.)

Zamboni: That giant street sweeper-looking machine that scrapes the snow off the ice and lays down a thin film of water that quickly freezes over.

Checking: This isn't touch football, people. The fun part about hockey is that you can lay someone out. And that someone can be a guy in possession of the puck, a guy who just got rid of it or a guy who is about to be passed to. Basically, anyone not in the stands. Just don't check anyone after building up, say, locomotive speed by skating from more than several strides away for the express purpose of breaking him in two. That's called charging, and I'm pretty sure it's a felony.

Traditions

Fighting: Admit it! A hockey game without fighting is like an auto race without a crash. See hockeyfights.com if you don't believe me. What's funny to watch is when one guy pulls the other guy's jersey, er, sweater over his head to make him swing blindly.

Octopus tossing: Don't worry, this is something Detroit Red Wings fans dreamed up a half-century ago. Thankfully for both fans and cephalopods, it hasn't become hockey's version of The Ubiquitous Wave.

The lyrics: You'd better learn the words to "Here Come the Hawks." Few people can get beyond the first line. Only the crazies can sing the second verse. Here's how it starts:

"Here come the Hawks, the mighty Blackhawks!

Take the attack and we'll back you, Blackhawks!

We're flyin' high and now let's wrap it up!

Let's go you Hawks, move out!"

The players

Bobby Hull: The Golden Jet played 15 seasons for the Hawks starting in the late '50s and was one of the top scorers in the league with his monster slap shot. Mike calls him the best Chicago athlete ever. Yes, Jordan fans, that's why I didn't include Mike's last name.

Stan Mikita: A fan favorite who was more than just a talking head in "Wayne's World." The Hall of Fame forward played 22 seasons, retiring in 1980.

Tony Esposito: The Hall of Fame goalie and 1968 rookie of the year was one of the first guys to splay his body across the ice to keep the puck out of the net. And he kept a lot of pucks out that way.

Guys to watch: Teenage rookies Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews and Finnish forward Tuomo Ruutu, who gets my vote for coolest name in sports.

How to see them

You can watch them on Comcast SportsNet;

Listen to them on the Score, 670 AM;

Or see them live at the United Center.

For schedule and a link to Ticketmaster, visit blackhawks.nhl.com.

And if minor league hockey is more for you, check out the Chicago Wolves at the Allstate Arena. You can find everything from team stats to schedules to links for tickets at www.chicagowolves.com.