Lincicome: Channeling a few more sports broadcasting options

  • Bernie Lincicome says a new sports channel could be The All-Alibi Network, featuring Jonathan Toews: "The dog ate my slap shot."

    Bernie Lincicome says a new sports channel could be The All-Alibi Network, featuring Jonathan Toews: "The dog ate my slap shot." Associated Press

Posted1/29/2023 6:00 AM

Convinced that there is no such thing as too much sports, I tried counting all the sports channels available to me. I quit counting somewhere in the three figures, allowing accuracy in reporting to float off lonely as a cloud, no longer a poetic fancy but a place where everything, everywhere, all at once is kept forever.

So, let's just say if it is a sport it has its own viewing outlet, and my careless research excluded amateur podcasts, local streamers and all the radio natterers that help get you from here to there.


Long ago, I lost track of how many ESPNs there are, their nifty nicknames and their assorted appendages, such as The Magazine and The Classic and The Booga Booga, not to be confused with the Hulu hubba hubba.

I never knew there was a great demand for so much of the same, but that is why I am the audience and they are the vendors. I came in late to the Golf Channel, astonished that a single channel could be devoted to all golf, all the time; in other words, a 24-hour lag putt.

Auto racing, I discovered, has its own channel, several really. As does fishing. In fact, fishing has various channels, all of them administered by someone named Babe, or Bubba or a variation there of.

Nevertheless, empty channels remain, and there are sports eager to jump in with all sorts of programming. I hereby claim all rights to the following and encourage interested investors. Cash only.

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• The All Sports-With-Music Network. This has separate channels for Sports with Spangles, Sports with Tights and Sports with Noseclips (Synchronized Swimming.)

Rented Shoes Diary. Bowling. Bowling. Bowling.

• The Real Ex-Wives of NFL Quarterbacks Network, starring Gisele Bündchen and Kristin Cavallari with special guest appearances by Angie Harmon and the datebook of Aaron Rodgers.

• Life Between Olympics Channel. Shows where cross-country skiers go for four years. Fills in the blanks between the closing ceremonies and drug suspensions.

• All Ex-Coaches Network. It is either here or Northern Illinois.

• All Sports Talk Network. This may also be known as either the Greater Bayless Broadcasting System, or the Kornheiser Korner. All that is required is an opinion, pancake makeup and rudeness. A bunch of guys arguing over the body of their common victim -- journalism. (The basic difference between a sportswriter and a sports-talker is that one wishes he could write the Great American Novel and the other wishes he could read it.)


• The Playbook Channel. "Coach wants to see you, and bring your remote."

• The Early Line Network (not to be confused with the Home Betting Network). The ELN does not take actual wagers but provides the odds on every sports question, such as, which body part will Justin Fields break next, who else is living in Shaquille O'Neal's body and what's the longest Aaron Judge will stand and admire a home run? Early line is 7-5 on clavicle, Charles Barkley and Lent.

• The Pregame Network. All the stuff that goes on before a game. National anthems. Warmup pitches. Shootarounds and tailgating. Included is the Pregame Prayer Channel, with Prayer of the Day (POD) awarded nightly. All-time leader for POD is the late college coach Bill Peterson who once led his team in the Lord's Prayer with "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep ..." Also a Pregame Meal Channel, with guest recipes by Kyle Schwarber.

• The Postgame Network. First one out of the parking lot, last one arrested.

• The Zebra Channel. Football officials, baseball officials, basketball referees use the telestrator to diagram exactly where their heads are. Moderated by Mark Cuban.

• Hi Mom Channel. A special channel for players on the sidelines and in dugouts to offer sincere wishes and gestures to loved ones and parole officers.

• The All-Alibi Network, featuring Jonathan Toews: "The dog ate my slap shot."

• Sports Trivia Challenge Network. Interactive channels allow participation between a panel of experts and anyone with a credit card. What is Tiger Woods' real first name? Who was the first hockey player to wear a turtleneck under his jersey? What famous Indigenous American played for the New York Giants? Name the only 1.000-hitter in baseball. (Eldrick T. Woods, Phil Esposito, Jim Thorpe, John Paciorek, 3-3 for Houston, 1963). Winner gets an expense-paid appearance on the Barroom Bets Channel, sister station of the Home Betting Network.

• The Beach Channel. Volleyball. Surfing. Tar removal.

• Yipee-Yo-Ki-Yay Network. Covers any horse sport that uses a saddle with a horn on it. Barrel racing, calf roping and victory celebration thug control.

• Little League Parents (or Tennis Fathers) Channel. Censored.

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