O'Donnell: The sad-sack finale of the Bears should be handled with bitter bite
IT'S TOO BAD THAT THE NFL and its broadcast partners don't have an Absurdist Comedy wing.
If they did, the FOX play-by-play team for the Bears-Vikings descent into folly Sunday could be Artie Lange and Bill Burr.
They'd tell it like it is - trash, swill, padded dungee-jumping.
Southwest Airlines could be the presenting sponsor. At halftime, ashcan the football telecast and replace it with a showing of Christian Bale's 2022 Dutch-ovened "Amsterdam."
Instead, Kenny Albert and Jonathan Vilma will handle the call of an annoying and unnecessary exhibition that will be available to 30 percent of the households in America.
The remaining 70 percent somehow hit a mancave lottery.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS when a legacied NFL franchise gets to carry on by license and entitlement despite an operational vertical overloaded with bumblers and unproven nobodies.
A 3-14 season is acceptable if it's clearly progressively foundational.
The 2022 Bears don't come close.
The most hopeful thing is that Justin Fields is still standing and will stand down vs. Minnesota. Finally, the biggest in-game threat to his health will be lakefront shivers.
Ryan Poles continues to masquerade as a big-league general manager.
He's the unknown who stepped in and had a so-so rookie draft, did a midseason strip of the Bears defense - a clear sign of serious "rebuild" - and then still allowed Fields and his racing cleats to risk on through a series of utterly meaningless cold-weather games.
SMART MAN, THAT POLES - in much the same sense that Herschel Walker is the future of American politics.
And what about Matt Eberflus?
He's the one-dimensional Toledo native who will conclude his inaugural head coaching season with a career winning percentage of .176.
That makes memories of fresh Matt Nagy seem like nirvana.
Week after week, Eberflus has stood up in front of a fanboy media at Halas Hall and neutered them even further, to the point of catatonia.
The best his most ardent defenders can point to is the Toledo connection. At least he understands the significance of the Maumee River, Libbey Glass and might even know the landmark birth date of Jamie Farr.
SO A SAD-SACK "FOOTBALL GAME" will kick off at Soldier Field Sunday.
Some season-ticket holders will be in attendance. After all, as the cornfield voice almost told Kevin Costner, "If you charge them in advance, they might even be pastime-challenged enough to come."
More disgusted Bears followers can only drift to the bitter imagined bite of Lange and Burr.
STREET-BEATIN':
Seizing the dramatic moment, Jim Nantz and Tony Romo will call the Bills-Patriots game Sunday. The CBS A-team is not so grandly paid to handle regular-season nooners. The Damar Hamlin saga changed all of that. Close to three-fourths of the nation can tune in. ...
Final high marks for "Monday Night" reporting: ESPN/ABC's Lisa Salters once again distinguished herself. Her hard, breaking-news instincts came to the fore. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were commendably professional in their restraint. MSNBC was so far ahead on respectful health tangents that it was almost like Secretariat in the Belmont. ...
Two walkaways from Northwestern's 73-60 win over visiting Illinois: 1) Chris Collins likely has the second NCAA tournament team of his challenged 10-year run on The Enchanted Lakefront; and 2) Brad Underwood is arced out in Champaign. The current Illini are tuning out his ferocious ranting and raving. Now the Q. becomes: How long until influential alumni call for the plug to be pulled? ...
Janelle Finch (Missouri '21) has been quick out of the gate with her hot-spot work on the tragic Idaho college murders case. She's on air at Spokane's KREM-TV. The rising Naperville native has smarts, telegenicness and a marvelous voice. (Proud papa is Tom Finch, the unforgettable Minister of Mirth on Dick Duchossois's staff during the classic Arlington Park "Miracle Million" era.) ...
As expected, one encumbrance at WSCR 670-AM, is back to trying to sell "key demographic" numbers to more pliable Chicago-based sports media dilettantes. That's a sure sign the station is having problems. (A more impressive figure could be the staff's median daily caloric intake.) ...
And John Tuminello, on news that the Seth Jones of the Blackhawks has been selected for the 2023 NHL All-Star Game: "Great, but then does he have to come back to the Blackhawks?"
• Jim O'Donnell's Sports and Media column appears Sunday and Thursday. Reach him at jimodonnelldh@yahoo.com. All communications may be considered for publication.