Lincicome: From Justin Fields to Aaron Rodgers, here are some NFL predictions

What kind of pro football season will it be? Don't get me started. On second thought ...

I predict Justin Fields' intangibles will be the first to go.

I predict the new Bears coaching staff will need two forms of ID and a note from mother before being allowed on the sidelines.

And Matt Eberflus will be required to wear a name tag that says, "Hello, I am not Matt Nagy, thank God."

I predict Tom Brady will retire on Monday, unretire on Tuesday, ask for Wednesday off, film a commercial on Thursday, ask where Gronk is on Friday, sleep in on Saturday, throw four touchdown passes on Sunday and remind everybody every day that he is 45 years old.

I predict that the NFL will admit that not only has instant replay turned the officials on the field into flinching zombies, it has lobotomized the home audience as well.

I predict that not only will a Bears defensive back intercept a pass, but he will take it home and have it bronzed.

Bears' coordinator Luke Getsy will turn the Bears offense around because he can't stand to look at it.

I predict, since according to Forbes the Bears are the fifth most valuable franchise in football, valued at $5.8 billion, they will continue to not bother.

Still, I predict that the Bears tailored suit brigade will troop out to Arlington Heights again with a new artist's sketch and say they were only kidding about not needing community money while muttering under their breath that these suburban rubes aren't as dumb as we thought.

The just-missed-the-first-down-by-inches pass reception will be renamed the Equanimeous St. Brown.

I predict Aaron Rodgers will try to rip off his helmet and find he can't get it out of his rear end.

Deshaun Watson will phone in despicable.

Patriot coach Bill Belichick will try to wipe that sneer off his face and find that, as his mother warned, it froze like that.

The silhouette of Bears' rookie tackle Braxton Jones will be mistaken for North Dakota.

I predict Terry Bradshaw will consider swallowing a moment of silence.

The NFL has so many wild cards the playoffs will be renamed Book Club Poker Night.

The Bears will keep turning over rocks until they find a left tackle.

I predict the three-quarters of a ton (1,573 pounds, actually) Bears offensive line will publish a diet plan called "Life Between Meals."

Thinking the Super Bowl is in the tropics, the nation's press will celebrate and be too hung over to work.

Realizing the Super Bowl is in the desert, the nation's press will try to forget and be too hung over to work.

The Bosa brothers will give up football for hydroponic gardening.

The Bears linebackers will pose for the cover of "Where the Wild Things Should Be."

And Bears linebacker Roquan Smith will admit it is all somebody else's fault.

Teven Jenkins will throw a block and consider it a season.

Green Bay will prepare for its appearance on Monday Night Football by washing its tractor.

Wildlife protesters will demand the Jaguars of Jacksonville and the Panthers of Carolina stop wearing each other's clothes.

The no-huddle offense will get a ticket for speeding.

The "H" back will have his letter retired.

A judge in Maryland will decide that the framers of the Constitution had included free agency right there in the Bill of Rights, just between the protection of quarterbacks from unreasonable seizures and providing for the common zone defense. He will further rule that the draft is illegal except for the Bears, who get to keep doing it until they get it right.

I predict the giveaway-takeaway ratio will be divided by the hang time to create a new statistic called the nerdsky.

Aaron Rodgers will officially change his name to "Head Case."

Now that the former Redskins have changed their name to Commanders, ornithologists will protest the Falcons, Seahawks, Cardinals and Eagles are offending the bird population and they will all change their names to flowering plants.

Aaron Rodgers will find adulthood confusing.

I predict the new orange helmets the Bears will wear in a couple of games will be mistaken for pumpkins and win second prize for authenticity.

I predict that someone stupid will not envy any McCaskey.

NFL Properties will start selling T-shirts that say, "The Few, The Rich, The Monopoly."

I predict that something Justin Fields mumbles will be remembered.

I predict the fat lady will forget the words and hum.