Lincicome: The Cubs new slogan is 'It's Different here.' Here are some more honest options.
While there seems no need to have any, the new marketing slogan for the Cubs is "It's Different Here."
Is that so? Other than a once-in-a-century blip, things are pretty much as usual, as expected, and, besides, the Cubs are less in need of the artificial attention of a slogan than any other team in sports, save maybe the Yankees.
We know what they are. The Cubs are a treasured American brand, like Hershey or Coca-Cola, established in the minds, hearts and taste of generations. The Cubs accept affection always, devotion usually and disgust rarely.
But if a slogan is what they want, I am here to help, offering honesty and invention. No charge.
Sorry To Have To Tell You This, But It Is Different Here. At the very least, Cub fans deserve an apology with the lie.
Cubs! A Way of Life, Alas. Much like passing an accident on the freeway or twin babies in a stroller, it is impossible to look away.
Expect Less, Pay More. And don't forget the vig.
Cubs are a Cult, Not a Religion. Turn to page 21 of your yearbook and read the sacred warning of Frank Lloyd Wright: "Doctors bury their mistakes; architects plant vines."
Listen, Soccer is Our Other Option. Don't take this as a threat because the Ricketts clan just found out that midfielders cost more than second basemen.
What You See is What You Deserve. Never in the course of human history have so many been so misled by so few.
Just Try It. Apologies to Nike, but this is the best we can do.
Like a Good Neighbor, You Can't Park Here. If you've heard this once, twice, a dozen times, you are in the right place.
Some Diamonds Are Forever. And ours has an iconic marquee.
What's In Your Wallet? Make sure you have at least a half a grand for a game ticket, pregame nosh, in-game beer and dogs, souvenirs, transportation and bail, just in case. Credit cards and crypto currency preferred, a DNR advised.
Care Enough to Last to the Seventh Inning Stretch. A-one, a-two, a-three strikes you're out, often with a runner in scoring position.
What Happens at Wrigley, Stays Until the Bullpen is Called. And no matter how often we try, we can't seem to get the number unlisted.
We Are What We Are. Rather than "It is what it is," because baseball is a team sport, no matter what you've heard.
The Friendlyish Confines. Until they play any walk-up song by either Guns 'N Roses or Taylor Swift. John Fogerty, well, OK.
When You Care Enough to Buy Our Cable Package. Trying to find the Cubs on TV is like searching for a Tic Tac under the front seat.
A Great and Glorious Game. Depends on whether you believe Yogi Berra ("90 percent of baseball is half mental") or former President Gerald Ford ("I watch a lot of baseball on the radio.")
Impossible is Nothing. In fact, you wouldn't believe how impossible nothing is, but we do have the box score right here, your honor.
Be the Ball. Classic advice, but if you have any choice at all in the matter, it might be better to Be the Bat.
We Try Harder, Or Hard Enough, Depending on the Pitcher. And if the wind is blowing in, we make sure we have snacks.
Nothing to See Here. This is true more often than not and usually for three or four hours, unless you find players tugging, mugging and wandering around to be interesting.
You Gotta Believe. This is how bad it can get. Noted nit-picker George Will once confessed that what he remembers most about his wedding day is that the Cubs lost a doubleheader.
These Cubs Come to Play. If only the game of choice was baseball.
Lookin' Good. If I have gained any wisdom over the years, it is this. Spring training baseball teams and unhousebroken pets look better on paper.
This is Next Year. Ain't it always?