O'Donnell: Read some about it - an insouciant's incomplete guide to Super Bowl 56

THE SUPER BOWL IS GREATER than most Hallmark holidays but not yet an official national day of rest and innovative outdoor grilling.

This weekend, it will be contested on Valentine's Day Eve.

That's not exactly the calendar slotting those lugs back in the Hupmobile showroom in Canton envisioned.

But sooner than later, it will nudge St. Patrick's Day.

And around the time the Jetsons' People Mover is America's No. 1 mode of public transportation, SB LXXXIX (89) will culminate a nine-month NFL season on Memorial Day Weekend, 2055.

FOR NOW, ALL THAT THE NATION HAS is the Rams-Bengals in SB 56 (NBC, 5:30 p.m.). As an interim consolation prize, that's like getting free video streaming of the winter moon over Dayton.

It's a match made in parity heaven. A rich and brawny team getting to play in its own spanking new $5 billion stadium faces a band of riverfront gypsies packing chili from somewhere in Flyover America.

The event is exactly what Pete Rozelle told Thomas Jefferson to write about when the enduring guideline was penned, "On any given Sunday, America will accept the illusion that all NFL teams can perform unpredictably."

IF THE GAME IS PLAYED organically - hah! - the Rams will lead at the half, go on to win and cover the 4-point spread. "Treadmark" Joe Burrow - the Cincy QB - will be sacked somewhere between 5 and 27 times.

Regarding Burrow, the password will be "grit," a word long overlooked in NFL lexicon. In this case, it means, "He has a crappy offensive line."

In the NBC TV booth, Cris Collinsworth will chuckle about having played for the Bengals in both of their previous Super Bowl losses. Al Michaels will mungle a syllable here and there as his choppers continue to be plagued by the dreaded "redundant tongue glide."

It'll also be the final "Sunday Night" game of longtime sideline reporter Michele Tafoya. Her departure won't quite rank with the day Dolly Parton left "The Porter Wagoner Show."

THE GAME ITSELF serves in part as an excuse for more than five hours of pregame programming that runs the spectrum from the banal to the really banal.

During that interminable HD dreck, some player will have an absent father or an ill aunt or have spent hours helping his personal foundation combat Violent Nasal Discharge and other Kleenex-ready socio-peripheral ills.

All will further "humanize" a daylong event that in the end will add roughly $500 million in advertising revenue to NBC Sports balance sheets.

IF THE PEACOCK PRUDENT truly want to hold younger - and young at heart - viewers, they'll have constant video drop-ins featuring happily tanning linebackers poolside with some of Snoop Dogg's old overflow.

Speaking of Snoop, truly diverse and inclusive that NFL puppet maestro Roger Goodell has booked him, Eminem, Dr. Dre, Mary J. Blige and Kendrick Lamar for the halftime show.

But to play to the Super Bowl's nation - and appease family-sensitive sponsors - The Doggfather is going to have less than 20% of his street-bleepin' songbook to choose from.

Either that or slur a whole lot of words you don't take home to mother.

AS A PARTING GIFT, for viewers of all ages and football intellects, straw bon mots likely to stir the droll at any Super Bowl soiree.

Drop 'em into any chitchat and if they don't work, look at the intended recipient and use the old Paul McCartney lyrical filler, "It's understood."

The list:

- "Wouldn't it be great to know which way Pete Rose went on this game?"

- "I kind of miss Tom Brady playing in a Super Bowl. But I really miss his Hertz commercials."

- "Was Tony Romo lazy this season or what? Maybe he'd better buy one of Madden's old Winnebagos so he has to spend more time doing his homework."

- "How's it going to play up at Halas Hall when Leonard Floyd wins MVP?"

- "Boy, that Cooper Kupp reminds me of Fred Biletnikoff. He runs routes like Vanna White flips vowels."

- "The '85 Bears would be 14 ½-points over either of these mutts. And they'd cover."

- "'Matthew Stafford as Super Bowl MVP?' Wow ... In Detroit, they'd give better odds on the feds finding Jimmy Hoffa."

-- "Gonna be wild when Arlington Heights gets this game in 2030, idn't it?"

- "If Lester Holt was refereeing, NBC would get the overtime thriller it really wants."

- "The Super Bowl was a lot more fun before all of this legal gambling stuff. At least Joe Namath won a legitimately doctored football game."

And in the end, America will temporarily anesthetize and go home.