Grammar Moses: 'Wonton Lust' bites the dust

As the saying goes, the bridge from dream to reality is hard work.

I'm here to tell you sometimes it's not enough.

I had a dream recently in which I came up with what I thought would be the perfect title for a book and, based on it, wrote a Chinese cookbook that landed on The New York Times Best Sellers list.

I woke up the next morning and thought to myself, "You love Chinese food, but you can't cook anything more than a passable chicken fried rice. What an idiotic idea."

Still, I loved the title of the book. So I emailed Rick Kaempfer and David Stern, the publishers of the book based on my column (the perfect stocking stuffer!) and gave them my pitch.

"I love it," David wrote back. "Remember, pot is now legal in Illinois. Wide market."

I should have known at that point that my idea would have to be packaged with edibles to sell - or make sense.

The title I pitched to them: "WontonLust: An Illustrated Exploration of Eggcorns, Mondegreens and Malapropisms."

I reconnected with Chris Cudworth, an artist and author with whom I worked many years ago. He has a twisted sense of humor like mine. I asked him if he was interested in contributing his visual interpretations of some of the examples of eggcorns, mondegreens and malapropisms I would solicit from famous and semifamous people from the Chicago area, readers of this column, friends and family members and my own brain. He was in.

Recently retired Chicago media writer Robert Feder, with whom I'm chummy, even gave me a list of media types I could solicit for anecdotes about uttering a misunderstood word, phrase or song lyric in some sort of hilariously painful and public way.

I was all set.

And then over the course of the next week reality struck, and it occurred to me that even if I got a lot of material, it would never be enough to fill a book that would make even me happy.

So I quit while I was ahead. I do have a day job, you know.

I owe you this explanation given many of you responded to my plea for material.

So I'll save you the $20 you would have spent on another book and give you some of my favorites responses right here. I've abbreviated your contributions to fit in as many as space will allow:

• When I first heard the song "Guantanamera" by the Sandpipers, I thought I heard the phrase "one-ton tomato" instead of "Guantanamera."

- Paul Bruno

• It's been forever that I thought the song "One Toke Over the Line" was "One Toe Over the Line." I would include the phrase when I talked about putting my own presumed toe over the line, like: "I know I'm putting my one toe over the line, sweet Jesus, but I have to say what I feel so please excuse me." I thought it was about taking chances and then asking Jesus for forgiveness, not drugs.

- Jamie Weaver

• From Creedence Clearwater Revival, I mistook the lyric "There's a bad moon on the rise" for "There's a bathroom on the right."

- Trey Higgens

• I thought the song "Runnin' Down a Dream" was "Running Down the Drain."

- Marilyn Ziegler

• When I was doing my student teaching, I realized that all those patriotic little second-graders were singing, "Stand beside her and guide her through the night with a light from a bulb."

- Sharon White

• "And when he died, all he left us was a loan." I finally did learn the correct word was "alone" but was too ashamed to admit to anyone that for years I had it wrong.

- Larry Servin

• In the song "Shaft," I always thought they were singing, "Down shaft." A few years ago, while in the car with my husband, the song came on. That's when I found out it was "John Shaft." I had never seen the movie.

- Laura Kaiser

• Back in 1982, my alarm clock would always go off to Toto's "Africa," and it was only this past year that I discovered the line "Gonna take a lot to take me away from you. There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do" was not as I had thought for the past 30 years. My version: "There's nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do."

- Amy Picchiotti

• When I was in nursery school in the 1940s, Miss Deeke would have us march around the room singing patriotic songs while she played the piano. My favorite was, or what I heard was, "O Columbia, the jam (gem) of the ocean, the home of the brave and the free."

- Bill Murray

• Jimi Hendrix, in "Purple Haze," famously sang, "Excuse me while I kiss the sky." I, being someone who has always believed in everyone's rights to love and marry whomever they choose, had no problem singing along with "Excuse me while I kiss this guy."

- Ron Coppel

• It wasn't much of a leap for me to mishear a line in Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step."

The lyric is "No matter what your friends try to tell ya," but all I hear, even to this day, is "No matter what your FRENCH FRIES tell ya."

- Cheryl Staats

• At the beginning of Mass the priest would greet the congregation by saying, "The Lord be with You" and the congregation responded, "And with your Spirit," which I misheard as "And with your spare ribs." Being Italian, food was a big part of our lives and often on my mind.

- Nancy Lynk

• Ever since I can remember, I smile every time I hear the Christmas carol "O Come Au-gie Faithful, joyful and triumphant."

- Augie Tonne

Thanks for playing and exposing yourself to a little gentle ridicule, everyone.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/executive editor of the Daily Herald. You can buy Jim's book, "Grammar Moses: A humorous guide to grammar and usage," at grammarmoses thebook.com. Or write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com if you'd like him to send you an autographed copy.