Grammar Moses: A tale of two cities

Sorry for the Victorian clickbait headline, Dickens fans. This is my first and last mention of London and Paris, and there will be no revolution with which to frame this column.

Rather, this is about Chicago and Chattanooga, Tennessee.

I spend a good deal of time in the South these days, exploring the state parks of Tennessee, Georgia and Alabama. It's beautiful and verdant, and unlike in Colorado you can traverse what we call a mountain in 20 minutes or so.

I grew up in Arlington Heights and went to high school in Mount Prospect, two towns with high aspirations but nearly no topographical diversity between them.

No, I haven't morphed into a travel writer. But I have picked up some regional peculiarities in the language we speak.

I've mentioned before that the closer you get to Atlanta, a "coke" is any sort of soda (or what a Chicagoan might call "pop").

And that a biscuit is just a biscuit, unless it's a big'un - and then it's called a "cathead."

"Y'all" is synonymous with "you." If your neighbor invites "y'all" for dinner, you might ask if your spouse is invited, too - to eliminate any confusion.

"Of course, all y'all can come. Bring a dish."

Here are a few things you might not know:

• In the Chicago area, if someone says "Bless your/her/his/their heart," it is almost always dripping with sarcasm or condescension.

Boy, that'll make you re-evaluate every conversation you've ever had.

In the South, "Bless your heart!" or "Aren't you sweet?" could mean just what they sound like. You always hear how friendly Midwesterners are - and I agree with that - but in the South it's almost as if they invented friendliness.

Of course, "bless your heart" is meted out on a sliding scale. Passive aggressiveness can be found all over the world (Paris being the worldwide capital).

Dang it, I mentioned Paris a second time.

You might tell a server at a restaurant, "I'm a vegan with celiac disease who can't have anything spicy. I'll order the veal parmigiana alla diavola."

The response probably would still be "Bless your heart" (with an eyeroll), though you'd probably hear the eruption once the order made it to the kitchen.

• In the South, it is customary for people, when completing any transaction with you, to say, "I appreciate you."

That took some getting used to. In the Chicago area, the only thing that comes close is, "No problem."

• In Tennessee, I am referred to as "sir" in the most casual of encounters. Come to think of it, that might just be in recognition of my advanced age.

• In Nashville, which is about as far away from Chattanooga as Arlington Heights is to Oshkosh, the official food is "hot chicken." And I'm not talking temperature hot.

It's spread across the U.S., thanks to KFC and, no doubt, lobbyists from the capsaicin industry.

First, don't order "Nashville hot chicken" if you're anywhere near Nashville. That's like being at Gino's East on Ohio Street and ordering a "Chicago-style deep-dish pizza."

Or ordering "french fries" in Paris. Dang it, that's the third time I've mentioned Paris.

Second, it's almost silly to order "hot chicken," because it's already hot. It's just a matter of how far up the Scoville ladder you want to climb.

One last bit of advice: If you're going out for chicken in Nashville, make sure you have a pocketful of Tums.

• A "salt truck" in the Chicago area is something you don't want to get stuck behind, unless it's snowing very hard and there is a plow on the front of it.

In the South, a salt truck is, well, nonexistent.

I once asked a 10-year-old Tennessean whether her school ever has snow days.

"What's thayat?" she asked. "That" is a two-syllable word in the South, you see.

And for a moment, I wasn't sure whether she was referring to "snow days" or "snow."

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/executive editor of the Daily Herald. You can buy Jim's book, "Grammar Moses: A humorous guide to grammar and usage," at grammarmosesthebook.com. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com and put "Grammar Moses" in the subject line. You can friend Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.