Add 'gender diversity' to list of things your kids need to know about, experts say

Add gender diversity to the list of things to talk about with your children.

And be prepared to do it much earlier than you might imagine.

"Gender complexity and diversity is a part of everyday experience," said Dr. Jason Rafferty, a pediatrician and child psychiatrist and author of the American Academy of Pediatrics' new guidelines on the health of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender children and youth. "Even young kids can kind of understand we are complex in our identities."

Parents have been told for years to talk to their children about sexual matters from the first time their preschooler asks, "Where do babies come from?"

Now they should be prepared to explain why some people openly live a gender identity different from their anatomical sex.

"We underestimate the capacity of children to be able to understand and use language that reflects gender diversity and the bodies people have," said Amanda Littauer, acting director for the Center for the Study of Women, Gender and Sexuality at Northern Illinois University.

And you can't wait until the kids are adolescents to do it, as more and more gender-nonconforming children are living openly. The topic came up again recently in Batavia, where several parents told the school board they had problems with how the district allowed a student who is biologically male but identifies as female to begin using restrooms and a locker room for girls at Rotolo Middle School.

One mother said her daughter didn't know anything about transgender people, because the family had not discussed it yet in their home.

The issue also caused controversy in Palatine-Schaumburg High School District 211 starting in 2015, when a transgender student filed a federal discrimination complaint over locker room access.

The Batavia parents who spoke at a recent board meeting also said they wished the district would have notified them about the presence of a transgender child in the school.

Even the conservative Christian religious organization Focus on the Family says parents have to be prepared to address the topic when kids are young, and definitely by the age of 8.

"You've done all you can to prepare your children for school and teach them Christian principles, but what can you do when your kids hear confusing messages about gender and sexuality that conflict with your family's values?" says one of its materials, "Empowering Parents."

It urges parents to teach their children that, while their views may differ from others, everyone should be treated with love and respect regardless of gender, sexual identity or sexual orientation.

Start talking

But how? Rafferty said it is the same as when your child asks other "why" questions about people, such as "Why does that man have darker skin than me?"

He said you can tell your child that "what makes people unique is very diverse."

Of course, the complexity of the answer should be tailored to the child's age.

There are materials available to help you come up with the answers.

• Rafferty recommends the AAP's "Bright Future" book and materials, which explain child development.

• Planned Parenthood addresses the topic in the "Sexual Orientation and Gender" part of its website, with advice for various age groups.

• Littauer recommends the "Our Whole Lives" sex education program offered through the Unitarian Universalist Society, in conjunction with the United Church of Christ. While developed by the churches, the materials are not religious.

"Any kid who had encountered that curriculum would have been totally ready to handle that situation in the locker room," Littauer said.

Rafferty said it used to be thought a parent didn't need to address gender identity until adolescence, whether it be their own child or a classmate who is gender-diverse. That's when the body changes of puberty start, which he said can be traumatic for gender-diverse children.

But youngsters, it turns out, know early on if they are gender-diverse.

"At any developmental stage, gender-diverse kids have a sense of their gender, but it is often suppressed to go along with social stereotypes," he said.

But what is gender?

Gender is different from anatomical sex.

Anatomical sex (also called "sex," "biological sex" or "natal gender") is determined by what genitalia you have and is typically assigned at birth, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Gender (or "gender identity") is a person's internal sense of self, and its development is a process, according to the AAP's "Bright Future" book and materials.

Children's sense of gender is fluid when they are young.

Around the age of 2 to 3, they begin to put gender labels on themselves and others, according to Purdue University's Extension Service, in materials it supplies to child-care providers.

Rafferty said exploration of gender is a normal part of a child's development. It often involves experimenting through play.

But parents should be talking to preschoolers about their bodies and affirming their gender expression.

"Celebrating who you are as an individual is important," he said.

When parents start asking whether their teenager is gender-diverse, he said, they already are playing catch-up, "because their kids have known for a while."

Defining key terms about gender

The American Academy of Pediatrics offers the following definitions of terms in its policy on providing for the health of children who are gender-diverse.

Sex: An assignment that is made at birth, usually male or female, typically on the basis of external genital anatomy but sometimes on the basis of internal gonads, chromosomes or hormone levels.

Gender identity: A deep internal sense of being female, male, a combination of both, somewhere in between or neither.

Gender expression: The external way people expresses their gender, such as clothing, hair, mannerisms, activities, or social roles.

Gender perception: The way others interpret a person's gender expression.

Gender diverse: A term used to describe people with gender behaviors, appearances or identities that are incongruent with those culturally assigned to their birth sex; gender-diverse individuals may refer to themselves with terms such as transgender, nonbinary, genderqueer, gender fluid, gender creative, gender independent or noncisgender.

Transgender: A subset of gender-diverse youth whose gender identity does not match their assigned sex and generally remains persistent, consistent and insistent over time.

Cisgender: Describes a person who identifies and expresses a gender consistent with the culturally defined norms of the sex he or she was assigned at birth.

Amender: Describes a person who does not identify as having a particular gender.

Affirmed gender: When a person's true gender identity, or concern about that identity, is communicated to and validated from others as authentic.