Grammar Moses: I'm shredding this column so you don't have to

I get inspiration for column topics in the weirdest ways.

While driving home the other evening, I decided to leave the news behind and spend a half-hour decompressing with my favorite guitarist.

I popped in "Jeff Beck's Guitar Shop" and listened to the title track.

If you're familiar with Jeff, you already know that for the most part he lets his Stratocaster do the talking; his songs rarely have lyrics.

But this one does. And on this particular track, the lyrics are a simple recitation of guitar-related jargon.

What is it we've been talking about lately?

Preamp, pro-sound performance

Groove tube

Killer caps

You're a Strat cat

Patch in

Dangerous distortion

Serious sustain

Slinky, super slinky

Boomers double-ball ends

It'll phase, it'll flange, it'll fuzz

It's fast, it's flexible

Just feel those frets

Deep cutaways, no pickguard

And a couple of chromebuckers.

Full shred!

Perhaps it's good that the Strat does most of the work, because these lyrics are lousy.

Now, on to what you had to say about hobby-related jargon:

LBJ

Kane County Audubon member Tim Klimowski is a birder. Turns out I know several birders, but I've never gone on safari with them.

"When we find a low spot in a farmer's field or grassy area that has become flooded with rain, these can be good birding spots. We call them 'fluddles,'" he wrote. "Many times a small sparrow-type bird flits by too fast to identify and we call them 'LBJ's' for 'little brown jobs.'"

Funny, I was thinking of Lady Bird Johnson.

Ribbit

We've already talked a bit about terms associated with knitting, so I'll let Margot Nowicke have the last word on that subject.

"One of the terms my husband finds most amusing is that if I make a knitting mistake, I 'frog' my knitting back. It's called 'frogging' because of the sound made (in many knitters' minds) while ripping the piece back - rip-it, rip-it - which is so similar to the call of a frog."

Fred, revisited

Jan Gollberg has contributed to earlier columns. I don't know what Jan knows about cycling, but she is a stickler about commas and had a bone to pick with the description of a cycling term given by copy desk chief Neil Holdway.

"In your column, you stated that the bicycling term 'Fred' was, 'Inspired by a real old, cranky cyclist named Fred.' I'm puzzled. Was Fred really old, or does 'real' mean that he was an actual person? 'Real' is usually an adjective. Did you mean 'really old?'"

Jan goes on much longer than this column allows, but you get the drift.

I asked Neil to defend his honor, or at least explain himself.

"I should have thought of your most elegant solution: 'an old, cranky real cyclist named Fred,'" he said.

"So, as I wrote it, the sentence technically is correct. I did write 'real' to mean 'in actuality.' And I even believe my punctuation is correct: 'a real old, cranky cyclist' - in that the 'real' adjective outranks the 'old, cranky cyclist.' I don't place 'real' on equal footing as the other adjectives 'old' and 'cranky,' hence no comma between 'real' and 'old.'

"Again, your solution, or using 'actual,' would have made it even clearer!"

I need to dab my brow after that conversation. It goes to show both you and we obsess about good grammar and usage.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.