How parents can address childhood bullying

Most people understand that bullying is inherently wrong and harmful, but many people might not know what to look for or feel empowered to discuss the topic with their children, whether due to their own discomfort, their child's, or an uncertainty of how to start.

The reality is that bullying can have both immediate and long-term, dangerous consequences if not addressed appropriately. Carmen Holley, LCSW, Director of Early Childhood and Community Engagement at Lurie Children's Center for Childhood Resilience, shines a light on the impact of bullying today and the role parents can play.

According to recent data from the Centers for Disease and Prevention (CDC), one in five students between the ages of 12 and 18 reported being bullied in school. Signs parents should look for that their child might be being bullied include:

• Emotional changes like increases in anxiety or sadness.

• Some unexplained physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches.

• Changes in the child's or adolescent's social interactions.

• Avoidance of certain people, places, or activities.

• Changes in academic performance or even a fear or reluctance to attend school.

When it comes to motivation behind a child engaging in bullying behavior, Holley says there are several factors that might contribute.

“Some children learn this behavior by observing the adults in their home and other social environments,” she said. “In some instances, children who bully might have experienced bullying or even physical abuse themselves. Some children might not be able to empathize with their peers or understand the impact their behavior has on others.”

In other cases, she says, a child might be looking to assert power or control over another child or may be being peer pressured into certain behaviors. Underlying challenges with emotion regulation or impulse control should also be considered.

The rise of social media also has a role to play in the prevalence and evolution of bullying in recent years. Due to the anonymous nature of social media, kids are more vulnerable to bullying from people they don't know personally, or by people who can hide behind internet aliases.

“Cyberbullying has more than doubled over the past several years, and it is unique in that it can be harder to detect and more difficult to identify the perpetrator,” Holley said.

“We also need to consider the permanent nature of cyberbullying. Once something is shared on social media, it can be available to many and difficult to delete.”

Whether a parent finds out their child is being bullied or is the bully themselves, Holley recommends the same first line of defense — talking to the child directly.

For the child being bullied, Holley suggests parents ask them about the incident(s) and listen without judgment. She notes the importance of getting as much information as possible from the child, such as how long the bullying has been happening and who is involved.

“Make sure your child knows it is not their fault and that you are there to help,” said Holley. “If the incident occurs in school, report it and request an investigation.”

For parents whose child is engaging in the bullying behavior, Holley notes it's imperative to address it immediately and uncover why they might feel compelled to act that way.

“Talk to your child in a calm, supportive manner and express your concern. Help your child understand the consequences of their behavior, while setting clear expectations that this behavior is not acceptable,” said Holley. “Also, explain the consequences if the behavior continues.”

Once behavior expectations are set and put into action, providing children with lots of praise and positive feedback when they demonstrate behavioral changes will go a long way. In addition, finding out your child is the bully is an important moment to do some self-reflection into how your child might be mirroring your own actions or those of other adults in their life.

As a parent with a child not directly involved in bullying situations, Holley says it's still important to teach kids to be allies to their friends and peers and stand up to bullying when they are able to.

“We know that more than half of bullying situations stop when a peer intervenes,” she said.

That said, parents and caregivers should avoid advocating for violence or retaliation, as this can escalate the situation. Alternatively, teaching children how to get help in the moment and how to support the child that is being bullied will be more effective and safe. This might look like connecting with your child's school to better understand the resources they have available to teach kids about empathy, conflict resolution and restoration.

“Schools also have a role in setting clear expectations and community agreements between all members of the school community and should make sure that they investigate bullying incidents and prevent them from reoccurring,” said Holley.

Bullying is never a temporary experience. It can have a profound and lasting impact on someone's childhood and continue to impact their mental health as an adult. Holley notes that victims of bullying are at increased risk for developing anxiety disorder and depression, and some may develop PTSD.

Bullying can also impact self-perception and victims of bullying are also at significantly higher risk of self-harm or having suicidal thoughts.

How to get help

If you or someone you know are experiencing suicidal thoughts, go to the nearest Emergency Department or contact crisis resources such as the National Suicide and Crisis Hotline (text or call 988) or the crisis line through the Trevor Project (1-866-488-7386).

For more information and support on bullying, parents should connect with their child's primary care provider, school's behavioral health team or larger school community support networks, or visit these sites:

• www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Resource_Centers/Bullying_Resource_Center/Home.aspx (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry)

•www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/bullying (The National Child Traumatic Stress Network).

• Children's health is a continuing series. This week's column was submitted by Lurie Children's Hospital.