Another way to get it right when talking to loved ones

Recently, I've been reminded again how much words matter. And especially so when it comes to talking or writing about the death of a dear one.

For example, a friend told me she really is not a fan of the word bereaved. She prefers the word alone. I get it, and this is probably a better word for several reasons.

The death of a spouse or partner certainly results in a lot of aloneness. But it's not limited to partners. The death of a parent, best friend, child or other dear one can leave one feeling very alone. It's bigger and more personal word than bereaved.

In another example, a friend said she doesn't care for the word grief anymore. The way I understood it, she meant that, as she had been learning how to cope with the death of her beloved spouse, the word grief felt as if it's drawing her backward. This at a time she's trying to adjust going forward without him. This made me stop and think.

I think these are two reminders of how complicated it is to talk about death, and how personal it is. So I started reflecting on myself. And I realized I have quite a list of do's and don'ts as well! Mine center on common euphemisms. For instance, I personally avoid words such as lost, passed, passed away, late, taken, departed and other euphemisms. I would rather hear or read the actual word - died. Especially when it comes to my own loved ones.

In one episode of "Downton Abbey," actress Maggie Smith, who played the role of dowager Lady Grantham, had a visitor. When that person referred to her husband as "was taken," she said something like this: Lord Grantham was not taken, he died.

Now I realize not everyone feels as strongly as I do about this topic. And I realize these other words are in very common usage, and friends and family do not mean to upset or irritate us by using them. Actually, even many clergy and funeral directors use those very euphemisms. So be it. And they are commonly written in obituaries and used in eulogies.

We already are well aware that most people struggle with what to write in a card or note to a friend. But how to refer directly to the person who died is a somewhat different challenge.

So what is the point? Well, I think it's basically we need to figure out what your friend or relative prefers. It's complicated of course. You may know the person well enough to know what to say. But a surefire way to know is - just listen to them. You will hear the right word.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.