Intense love, grief might be emotions 'hardwired' on the brain

I read an article called “Love ignites fireworks that change the brain” (New York Times, by Hope Reese, April 26). It was sent to me by my friend Diane in Long Island. The article is about some recent findings of neuroscientist Stephanie Cacioppo.

After years of being a confirmed singleton, she fell in love and married. And she got interested in how love affects the brain. She found that, basically, love rewires the brain (not just occupies it), and creates a deep neurological attachment that is way beyond the initial falling in love.

I ordered her book (“Wired for Love: A Neuroscientist's Journey Through Romance, Loss and the Essence of Human Connection,” Flatiron Books, 2022) because I thought it may explain a lot (to me) about grief, and especially about long-term grief. And it does. It's fascinating.

Another interesting part of her story is her husband, John T. Cacioppo, was also a neuroscientist. A well-known and award-winning expert, his specialty was loneliness and it's negative impact on one's health. He was older than she is. Their fields of research overlapped in many ways. When he died after a long bout with cancer, she sadly faced that intense loneliness personally. Her last chapters are powerful, insightful and heartbreaking.

In her own research, she also found that “wired for love” is not only for a partner, but it can be a friend or a passion for one's work or other activity.

I've been interested in the concept of soul mates for a long time — the feeling you deeply understand and are connected to another person, and are meant to be together. I've thought to myself, this must be part of what leads to long-term grief. I think it happens in very close, long partnerships and marriages, and probably in very close friendships. And so it seems this leads to very, very intense grief that may never go away.

As poet Dennis Depcik wrote of his wife a year after she died:

“I am getting better.

But the me that was – is gone

And I'll never be who I was,

Because part of me was her

And she is gone.”

The point is: This research on “wired for love” gives me further insight into the roots of intense long-term grief. I always thought long-term grief was basically anchored in the deep emotional and spiritual relationship to the one who died. But apparently the same neurological changes in the brain that anchor strong love in the brain subsequently contribute to the intense and lasting grief many experience for years, maybe for a lifetime.

I think any new knowledge that helps us gain a better understanding into the complexity of grief is for the good. My next project will be to look into her husband's research on loneliness and its impact on one's physical and emotional health!

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.