The bereaved often feel pressure to act 'happy,' or 'normal'

Did you know there is a World Happiness Index? Well, there is. I didn't know until I read a recent article on the topic (Scientific Reports, Feb. 2022).

This index is organized by countries, and reports happiness level in their populations. As it turns out, the pressure to say one is happy (not sad) is associated with lower feelings of well-being in people in the "happiest" countries. Those folks feel so much social pressure to conform with the "be happy" expectations that they end up feeling poorer in regards to personal well-being.

Poorer emotional and cognitive indicators - reduced life satisfaction, less positive emotions, more feelings of depression - in those countries are two times higher than in the so-called "less happy" countries. So they concluded social pressure to appear happy is associated with people feeling worse.

This article caught my attention because, in my experience, the bereaved here in the U.S., and I'm sure we are not the only country where this is true, are indeed pressured by many to keep "a stiff upper lip," and act "OK" when not happy - basically answer questions with innocuous phrases such as "I'm doing OK," "I'm getting along," "I'm fine" and such.

The bereaved are expected to behave normally, do normal activities, even when their lives have become anything but "normal."

And, as we all know, if working outside the home, a person is expected to be back at work within a couple days after the funeral, acting normal and doing his or her job. Outside the immediate work setting, most people are not even aware of a person's loss. Perhaps co-workers and friends do not even recognize signs of grief.

So when reading this about "pressure to be happy," to look happy and act happy, I was reminded how hard it is in grief to be under such social pressure to be normal, look normal, act normal - when a person is actually feeling very sad and distraught, barely functioning at times.

What can we do about this?

1.) The first thing is just to be aware that all may not be as it looks on the surface. People are good at conforming to societal expectations, even in grief. So it's good to cut a little slack to your co-worker, or friend, or relative - and be kind.

2.) Think beyond the funeral week and even beyond the next few weeks or months. Coping with grief is a long journey, and this person has just begun.

3.) Be willing to ask, and to listen. No one can fix grief, but we can listen.

So the point is: Try to tune in to what really might be going on. This applies not only to the first few days or weeks after the death. It also applies to long-term grief as the years roll along. Let's extend ourselves and remember to stay in touch.

Include the person in social gatherings, community activities and luncheons or dinner parties. This kindness can help soften the increased social isolation that sometimes comes with a death, especially if it's the death of a partner in a couple's world.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.