Game-based 'Uncharted' bites the dust - and cobwebs - in passionless, generic 'Raiders' knock-off
“Uncharted” - ★ ½
Take Indiana Jones' first adventure, “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” strip away the clever dialogue, remove the richly drawn characterizations, disregard superb casting, dispense with internal logic, kill the suspense and any sense of actual danger, ignore nuanced pacing, then employ sophomoric slow-motion shots.
You'd still have a better movie than Ruben Fleischer's dramatically stunted, action-constipated adaptation of the popular video game “Uncharted.”
The ever-adorable Tom Holland - the only Hollywood Spider-Man to accurately capture the adolescent essence of high school student Peter Parker - stars as Nathan Drake, a buff Manhattan bartender and petty thief with an encyclopedic knowledge of ancient treasures.
One night while trying to top Tom Cruise's bartending showmanship from “Cocktail,” Nathan gets approached by soldier-of-collectible-fortunes Victor (call me “Sully”) Sullivan (Mark Wahlberg) to help him find the fabled lost gold of Magellan.
They embark on a grand adventure that takes them to Barcelona and the Philippines where they race to locate the treasure before the villainous Santiago Moncada (Antonio Banderas, emanating slow-burn evil) beats them to it. His ancestors funded Magellan's trip, so Moncada feels entitled to the spoils before they go to the Victor.
In Barcelona, Nathan and Sully meet up with another professional thief Chloe Frazer (Sophia Ali), who trusts neither of them, but as the trio sprints through booby-trapped ancient mazes adorned with the standard-issue dust and cobwebs, these three generic action figures learn to work together.
Meanwhile, a svelte, knife-wielding assassin named Jo Braddock (Tati Gabrielle, alias Prudence from the Netflix horror series “The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina”) lurks in and out of the shadows, waiting to pounce and slash.
The original, highly immersive “Uncharted” series (four games plus a few spinoff projects) would seem to be perfect fodder for a motion picture franchise, which Fleischer's movie has clearly been set up to become. (Note the two post-credits scenes tacked on in a wishful Marvel Cinematic Universe fashion.)
But the blandly utilitarian screenplay by three writers (who apparently were paid by the number of times they used the word “trust”) gives the actors precious little help in building fleshed-out, interesting characters.
Even so, Wahlberg, a graduate from the Acting School of Perpetual Scowling, delivers his lines in monotoned boredom, which makes you wonder how he was ever considered to play Nathan back in an aborted 2010 “Uncharted.”
The energetic, watchable Holland fares only slightly better in a series of action showpieces that, strung together, constitute the bulk of this thin narrative, complete with fortune cookie clues written on cryptic postcards from Nathan's missing brother Sam.
Nathan and Sully may be super smart, but this movie treats the audience as super stupid, or at least so inattentive to details that the filmmakers needn't bother with those.
In Barcelona, Sully desperately tries to get through a barred manhole cover down to a secret chamber where Nathan thinks he's about to find the gold of Magellan. He's knocked unconscious.
When Nathan wakes up, Sully is standing in front of him.
How? Did Scotty beam him down to the secret chamber? Did Sully do a T-1000 Terminator trick by melting between the manhole bars?
Just where did that stash of gold come from near the end?
At least “Uncharted” features plenty of action-packed chase scenes, fights and stunts to stave off viewer malaise.
The film's flashiest showcased sequence - Nathan desperately clings to a string of connected baggage pieces dangling in the air behind an airplane - is so good, we get to see most of it twice.
Starring: Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg, Antonio Banderas, Sophia Ali, Tati Gabrielle
Directed by: Ruben Fleischer
Other: A Columbia Pictures release. In theaters. Rated PG-13 for language, violence. 156 minutes