Can some people learn to 'let go' of their grief?

A while back I thought I was ready to let go of grief, at least some of it. And I started to draft about the possibility of doing so. But I didn't finish it, because I realized I was not really letting go, I had just learned over the years to better manage and cope with grief. It is still here with me.

But I recently heard someone say something like - I have decided "no more grief." Said that she didn't believe in grief anymore and intended to focus on, and live in, the future.

Well, that got me reflecting on myself. I understand, I think. It is true that at some point we need to focus more on the future and let go, or try to let go, of grief and grieving. Sounds healthy. Even in the case of a very close and dear relationship. Mustn't keep focused on the past and unhappiness, and grief.

Of course I would not want to let go of all the happy memories and happy times, and love and affection from parents, siblings, friends, and my dear Baheej. But I do "get it." Everyone can still keep their happy memories and enjoy them. Basically focus on the happy times, not on grief.

So I decided it was time to return to that column and finish it. Because I realized that as I learned how to better manage and cope with grief, I could let go of some bits of it, at least some of the most painful parts. Grief is still here but less intense, most of the time. So I have an inkling of how one can eventually let go of grief, at least partially, and focus on oneself and the future. On the here and now.

As everything else associated with the death of a loved one, this process seems very individual and personal and complicated - depending on the circumstances of death, the relationship, personality and many other factors.

And there are some situations, totally different, where I understand it's easier to let go or even avoid grief - for instance when it was a bad relationship. In such situations the death may actually bring relief or indifference. That is not understood or discussed by most people, but it happens. Even if it was a relative, spouse or partner. There may be little or no grief. Just relief and freedom. Usually not visible to those around who had no real idea of what was going on.

And in situations where a person was a long-term caregiver for a dear spouse or relative with terminal illness, much of the grieving happened prior to the death, as one slowly came to grips that the end was coming.

So the point is: It seems like there is hope for letting go of grief, or some of it, depending on circumstances, determination, personality, relationship and life experiences. Or in unhappy cases, even escaping or avoiding grief.

I think we've just scratched the surface of truly understanding death and grief. Strange after almost 60 years of study on the topic here in the U.S., and after an ancient human history of customs and beliefs about death and grieving. These days, we are doing the best we can. At least I am.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.