Relaxation is a skill the bereaved can learn to develop

By Susan Anderson-Khleif

We need to learn to relax. In my experience, this is quite important in grief. It's important because in grief we usually feel sadness, tension, worry - all emotions not conducive to relaxation or to our overall health.

Kitty-cats can do it (relax), doggies do it, people practicing yoga can do it. So certainly we can, too.

When bereaved, we need to calm down, take deep breaths, and take it easy - despite all the sadness and stresses of our new lives. So we each need to make a plan for relaxation and self-protection.

After the long haul during this recent "stay at home" period of 15 months, we relaxed a bit by just staying away from social life. Yet that brought its own new kind of stress. Eventually we mastered what to do so we could at least relax somewhat at home. We bought what we needed online, or had it delivered, or brought over by relatives. We relied on online communication, especially telephone and email or texting. We entertained ourselves. We played with our pets. We even started writing letters again.

Now we are in a different place, partly still staying inside, partially back out into the social world. Going out would not be fun if we are tense and worried. So how do we find our comfort zone?

This is an individual process and a skill, as far as I can tell. Perhaps use a bit of trial and error. I personally now go to restaurants, usually in early or off hours. I meet with vaccinated friends.

Well, this is a strange day for me to be thinking about the need to relax, because it's the day my husband was buried, Aug. 16. The mind does work in mysterious ways …

My late husband, Baheej, would be all for learning to relax. He had the ability to get outside of himself, to enjoy nature, good food, people - to explore other cultures with an open heart and mind. He was good at relaxation.

So when I need to relax, I think of him. His face, his words, his behavior, his advice.

You may have a parent, sibling or friend who is good at relaxation; adopt that person as a role model and learn from him or her.

I remember my student days, from childhood through university, when I don't think I ever relaxed. There was always something to read, to memorize, to research. Tests to take, papers to write, no relaxation. Until I met Baheej, that is. He showed me one can take some time off from stressful tasks and responsibilities, and still succeed. That was a revelation to me.

It seems this can be an acquired skill, even if not a natural personality trait. "The leopard does not change its spots," but we do have some flexibility and range of possible changes. A good friend or partner can have a powerful influence for positive change, and vice versa.

Relaxation may be achieved by cooking, reading, listening to music, watching a movie, walking the dog, gardening, exercise and other hobbies. I think almost everyone can find a mode of relaxation.

The point is: If we make an effort to introduce some relaxation into our grief, we will feel better. At least I do.

I'm thinking about this today because I have images in my mind of me standing by the grave of my beloved Baheej being buried on Aug 16, 2012, and feeling so lost and afraid of the future. Well, I've been finding my way. And I'm sure he's here in spirit helping me.

I think I'll go water the flowers. A yard walk is always uplifting. We all usually, over time, find a way: a path to manage and cope with grief. I hope you are having a pleasant summer.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.