The 'first year' is filled with days that are a struggle

The “first year” is usually very difficult. That is, the first year after the death of a beloved spouse, partner, parent, child, sibling or close friend.

It is often an especially stressful year because it's packed with many firsts, in addition to the sadness of the death itself. It's extra difficult because, if it was the death of a beloved spouse, it's also a year of trying to figure out a new life and identity as a “single” individual — alone, no longer part of a couple. Even if one knew this was coming because of a long terminal illness, now those days are actually here.

There are many different circumstances, but there is always a “first year.”

I haven't forgotten, though I'm in a different place nine years later because I have learned a lot about how to cope with and manage my grief. Mostly trial and error. Yet in many ways, I am still figuring out how to live a worthwhile and sustainable life without my beloved Baheej. I do pretty well, most of the time.

However, as the ninth anniversary of Baheej's death approaches, Aug. 11, the events of that first year all come back to me. My order of “firsts” was:

The death and funeral here, Aug. 11 and 13, then an Aug. 16 burial in New Hampshire.

First wedding anniversary alone, Aug. 18. Baheej's birthday, July 23.

Labor Day barbecue, no Baheej.

Fall festivals, alone. First Thanksgiving without him. Christmas, ditto, his favorite holiday. The new year. Valentine's Day.

On the first Easter, I cooked his favorite traditional food. Fourth of July festivities, I remember being difficult. All a heavy load.

Your first year may be similar but with a different order of important dates and events. And it may be a dear mother, father, child — not necessarily a spouse or partner.

All of these events come while you are still trying to figure out how to cope with the initial grief itself. You try to figure out a new everyday life, and build new structure to the day.

And then, for me — back to Aug. 11 for year two. Replay it all again. Over the years, other deaths are added in: siblings, friends.

Once I started writing this column, which as about five years after my dear Baheej died, my mind started racing over all these “firsts.” And I started writing about them.

One of my escapes and ways of coping in those pre-pandemic days was to get out into the community — to festivals and community events. I went to lunch and dinner with friends, or invite them over for a meal. That helped a lot. Then the pandemic came — “stay at home” happened. So, many people have had to weather their “first year” under quite isolated, extremely difficult conditions.

Thank goodness going out is once again an option, and a way to lift your spirits. Many good opportunities are coming up, such as the fall festivals and big holidays. I'm personally trying to get out there — but carefully.

In the summer, I used to go to the strawberry farm, Swedish Days, Fourth of July picnics, estate sales, and on and on. I missed all of that both last year and this year. Hopefully in 2022, we will be able to do again. But perhaps I will go to some fall festivals this September-October. It depends on the Delta COVID variant, I guess, and if the vaccinations rate increases to a higher percentage of the community. I'm hoping.

But there is progress now — being able to go with friends for lunch or little excursions, having people over for dinner. I'm doing both, within limits. We need to be together with vaccinated friends and family.

The point is: A big part of coping the first year after a death is to get back out there into social life with friends or at community events. It's vital in grief. We know isolation is not good for us. So, it's important to find your own comfort level and get out there, rejoining social life.

That's what I'm trying to do. It's good for us no matter how long it's been.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.