When bereaved, look outside yourself for comfort

Some say, “Animals are people too.” I guess my own mother thought so because she loved animals and when I was a kid she had a sweet habit of feeding peanut butter to the squirrels outside our kitchen window.

There was a rollout window above the sink with no screen, and a big tree was close by. Mom would open the window and throw a ball of soft peanut butter on the tree for the squirrels — Splat! — who would come running and gobble it up. I guess she just liked to watch them. She did this more in the winter when squirrel food was scarce.

It's a nice memory. It drove my Grandmother Anderson, a gardener, crazy because she considered squirrels to be pests — they ruined some of her flowers and vegetables. But to Mom, squirrels were something like outdoor pets.

Mom was not bereaved in those days, but I think watching animals in our backyard and at zoos, parks and on neighborhood walks is a healthy and entertaining hobby in grief. It takes us outside ourselves and is interesting and soothing in grief.

Looking outside ourselves is so important in grief. Feeding the outside animals was especially helpful and fun for me during all those months of the pandemic “stay at home” guidelines. And it still is!

Recently a nice reader sent me a cute video about the antics, cleverness and agility of backyard squirrels, which was lots of fun to watch. The guy in the video built a complicated maze they had to traverse to get to the food — the squirrels always figured no matter how difficult.

I have plenty of backyard squirrels. So very amusing. I have, however, found one bird feeder that is squirrel-proof. It slams shut if they jump on it. I gave one to a friend last month for her birthday.

Another nice reader wrote, “As we get older we get more interested in flowers and birds.” That's true too. And there are many other entertainments out in nature.

Well, I've got quite a zoo in my own backyard. Birds and squirrels visit of course. But also many geese and, at various times over the years, skunks, possums, raccoons, coyotes, red fox, deer, mallard ducks and feral or neighborhood cats come by. I like all of them. It's an “open-air zoo.”

Here in Sleepy Hollow, bird feeders are OK, but we are not supposed to feed other wild animals. Of course, bird feeders attract other animals foraging for seeds that fall down to the ground. The squirrels and other animals are always searching and grazing. So they come by to check. It's like a little “Animal Planet” show.

The point is: In grief, we need to make a special effort to look outside ourselves. This business about backyard animals and birds is just an example. Luckily, human social life has started to open up again — especially more opportunities to go to some of our groups, exercise classes, local cafes and to events we used to attend. I have resumed my own exercise class; everyone there is vaccinated, and it feels great. My Monday women's group has started meeting again. All are vaccinated. Prospects are looking up! I am starting to think about September and October and the fall festivals. We shall see ...

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.