Learning the value of time, silence helps manage grief
Some people say grief gets better over time. Well, in my experience, grief changes over time, but for many it does not "get better" nor does it go away.
My dear husband Baheej thought a lot about the concept of time. Shortly after his death I found this note in his office upstairs, which he wrote to himself: "Time is cruel but happy memories make the sadness go away." I found this on his desk in August 2012, about 14 days after his death, in August 2012.
Some of us believe that the spirit of a loved one stays close by for 40 days and during that period of time, many signs appear, and there are discoveries for those of us left here.
Shortly after finding that note about time, I found this note from Baheej about silence on a laminated card in his writings satchel: "Silence outside, echoes of the past will be more remote. In reality there is total silence outside." Another idea he wrote to himself.
Time and silence. Baheej thought about these two matters a lot. And I have too. I have followed a lot of the good advice and ideas he had about time and silence. Quite a gift he gave me.
My sister wrote this to me shortly after Baheej's death: "You will find your way. Forge ahead. You will build a new life but always miss and treasure your old life." She had lost her husband many years earlier. She was so right. That's why the book "Way through the Woods," which I have written about before, made such an impression on me. We do find a way, a path.
Silence is an especially interesting phenomenon. First of all, in silence one can think, really think, and reflect. Baheej once went by himself to a place called Mary House, not far from our home in rural Spencer, Massachusetts. It is a nondenominational place of contemplation near a beautiful monastery. He went for three or four days, over a long weekend I think. It is a silent house - no speaking, no groups. You have your own room and meals appear in the kitchen that you take and eat alone. No TV, no radio, no telephone or other electronics.
One evening Baheej was sitting in the living room of Mary House by himself, reading. And his father, who died in 1965, appeared to him, and assured him all would be OK. It was very comforting. Baheej told me about it later.
I also learned to value silence from my Grandfather Anderson. He was a very traditional Swede, born here in the U.S., and raised in Stillwater, Minnesota, by traditional Swedish parents. He was very calm and spent many hours sitting in his favorite chair just thinking, reading and smoking his pipe. He didn't feel we needed to be talking all the time. He was a businessman and an accountant by training. We could crawl up in his lap and just sit there with him as he read to himself. He was a lovely man. I have his favorite chair in my own dining room, an 1800s rocker. Very heavy. Very pretty.
The point is: I've always had a special respect for silence and a have acquired a better understanding of time, in relation to grief. I'm not surprised grief doesn't go away with time, but I understand it does get easier to cope with grief over time, because we learn how to manage it.
Once, about six months ago, I had an epiphany where I thought I could let go of some of my grief - but then I realized all that had happened is I had just learned more about how to manage it. I guess it will always be here. I miss Baheej and wish he could know my sweet kitties. He would enjoy them. And I wish he would be here for Christmas.
And I know there are many out there who are missing their beloved and other loved ones this holiday season.
As we all know, big holidays are the hardest. I still put gifts under the tree for Baheej. Just little surprises he would enjoy. This year, among other things, he will get an antique piggy bank. He collected piggy banks. He was a good saver.
Merry Christmas and Blessed Hanukkah!
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.