The mailbox and other small reminders of loss
I just went out and got the mail. I do so faithfully every day because of my dear husband Baheej. He loved getting mail and picking up the mail from the mailbox.
Most couples, or even roommates or housemates, have a way of dividing up the daily tasks of living. We did, of course.
In our case, Baheej did all the grocery shopping, and he always brought in the mail. It was a little walk down the driveway to the street but he always did it. Or he would stop the car and collect the mail on his way turning into the driveway after writing at his nearby sidewalk cafe.
Baheej lived far away from his parents and family most of the time since he was 18, so the mail was very important to him - and especially so after he came to the U.S. So I always left it there for him to find.
He also loved to grocery shop, especially for fruits and vegetables. He knew how to pick them fresh and ripe. As soon as he'd come home from the grocery store, he'd taste all his favorites. I was not very good at grocery shopping, so he did it. He always cultivated a good relationship with a local butcher to get just what he wanted and the best cuts. He knew which was the best olive oil, and so on.
It was a big shock to me when I needed to do all the grocery shopping myself. This sounds trivial, I know, but it was a big adjustment and reminder for me that he was gone every time I went to the store, or filled up the car with gas or went to the post office. To this day, I still don't really like doing those errands.
And Baheej did many other household tasks, such as taking care of the cars, and finding housekeepers. If neither one of us was willing to do some task, then we paid someone to do it - such as cleaning the house, mowing the yard, house repairs. Neither of us were ever any good at house repairs.
It's a strange situation - being on your own. Realizing you are now "it" for everything. Every household problem, every aspect of maintenance, every task. You are quite alone.
Baheej took care of most of the outside errands. He knew all the local merchants and tradesmen. They asked me about him for years after his death. They missed his cheerful visits and interesting conversations.
Being completely on your own is not the heaviest burden of grief, but it's a major practical issue - you must do everything.
So the point is: There are many big and little adjustments one has to make after the death of a beloved spouse or partner. The big ones are the sadness of grief and possible family financial losses that force you to move. The little ones are the business of daily life such as groceries, cooking or other household errands.
These little matters weigh heavily, not only because you have more tasks, but those tasks are constant reminders your partner is gone.
Me, I've adjusted to the grocery shopping and learned to enjoy it, somewhat. I like to cook so that helps. But I will never get over the awareness of being alone. I do OK alone but it's the absence of Baheej that weighs on me.
Each morning, however, I do relish my walk out to the mailbox to get the mail. It makes me smile as I think of Baheej's own smiling face when he'd walk back to the house with mail in hand.
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.