Reflecting on your past: life, work and relationships

There is a wonderful old movie called “The Remains of the Day” (1993). It's about a man and a woman in mid-1900s England. He was the butler and she was the head housekeeper of a grand estate in England, which in those days meant the two of them together ran the whole household. Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson played the main roles. It was a reflection on a bygone era and the lives people lived In those times.

Has this ever happend to you? I mean, remembering “how it was.” Not an estate in England, but perhaps your family home and life as a child. Or it could be thinking about your work or career. Could be your life with your dear spouse now gone, or partner, or friend you used to talk to every day. Could be about your children when they were young.

Well, I think it is worth reflecting on our work, our career, our past. I do it. Sometimes it helps with grief, sometimes it hurts.

I vote for doing it.

There are many any nice memories and feelings in our past. In a book I mentioned some time ago (“The Way Through the Woods” by Long Litt Wood), the author was very comforted by what she called the “traces” her husband left behind.

Those traces were kindness to others, generosity, good deeds, worthy accomplishments from his work. Traces could be teaching, or raising a lovely family, or could be as simple as our good relationships with family and friends.

My dear husband Baheej left lots of wonderful traces behind. I still get contacts from his former students; I still get many friends and acquaintances mentioning his fine qualities and actions and remembering him for the fine person he was.

And Baheej had a great influence on my own life and career. “The Remains of the Day” was partially about lost opportunity. But my life wIth Baheej for 44 years was about making and having opportunity. I would not be a sociologist without him. He urged me to go to graduate school. He introduced me to the pleasure of world travel. He helped me past difficult times and helped me be successful. He made every day a happy day.

Many feel great loss, not only when they lose a dear one, but when they retire, or when their children grow up and leave home. Sometimes these losses pile up and seem too much. But we can gain strength from reflecting on our lives, our work and our families. And we should take comfort in all those good accomplishments.

The point is: Everything has a time and place. Everything in its own time. The positive remnants of our past are all around us — in our memories, in our houses, in family albums. Let these remnants and reflections help you. When bereaved, think of those happy times and draw strength from the memories and what you learned from life experience and from your spouse, mother, father, friend. This will definitely help.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.