After a loss, you may need to strengthen your 'sense of self'

There is a colloquial way of talking in the South and Old West — “I'm fixin' to go” — meaning “I am getting ready to go.” In Minnesota when I was growing up, local people also had regional ways of talking, such as “I've been thinkin'…” or “Just sayin…”

Well, “I've been thinkin,' ” I lived 44 years with my dear husband, Baheej, which is more time than I lived before him, or after. So actually we spent most of my life together. That creates a very strong bond if they were good and happy years, which ours were.

This has lots of implications for lifestyle, identity, comfort and affection. And it's a lot to lose. Not that I lost all of that, but his death has had a big impact.

Such a huge combination of losses, as many of us have experienced, makes losing a beloved spouse, dear family member or a longtime friend especially hard.

This also applies to people who raised children and then lost a child. A big part of life centered around caring for the child, teaching and guiding the child while growing up, enjoying adult children and grandkids — and now life changes drastically and family gatherings are never the same.

This personal identity issue is very complicated. Our identities get so closely bound to the roles of wife, husband, parent, friend — even though one still has his or her own identity and sense of self after losing a loved one. Yet the loss of longtime affection, friendship and companionship are all so sad.

Baheej was especially affectionate, creative and kind, so that's a lot to be without now. Happy memories help of course, but they are no substitute for life.

So, in my case, losing 44 years of being together as a couple and all that comes with it has been devastating. As you all know, I've found ways to cope and manage, but grief is not easy for any of us.

And “I got to thinkin,' ” what if I live to be really old? It's been almost eight years since Baheej died. So I am eight years older than when he died on Aug. 11. I am catching up with him; he was 14 years older than I am, although we did not feel an age difference. In many ways, Baheej was “younger” than me because of his personality. I'm still surprised he went first, because he had such a joyful and happy nature, and his death was so sudden and unexpected.

Many in my family lived long lives, so maybe I'll be one of those, despite these days of “stay-at-home” coronavirus. My Grandmother Anderson was 84. My mom also lived to be 84. Mom's elder sister Virginia was 93. I have cousins and friends in their 80s and 90s. My father was 80 and he would have lived to be much older except the anesthesia for his knee replacement surgery went wrong. Tragically, he never came fully out of the anesthesia.

Me? Really old? We shall see.

So what can we do with these “after years,” the years without the presence of a person who was such a big part of our lives for a huge stretch of years — often for most of our lives?

The point is: As odd as it seems, we must strengthen our own personal identity and lifestyle without him or her, whether a spouse, partner, child, parent or friend. As with all grief, we find ways of coping with it. It's easier said than done.

We don't need to give up memories or talking about all those wonderful years together. We do, however, need to find positive ways to strengthen our sense of self, such as finding and adopting enjoyable activities for ourselves, and developing a new lifestyle that can be sustained without our loved one.

Also, enjoy old friends but be open to making new ones. They help, too, by relating to you in your current situation, rather than the past. Joining new groups is a positive way to meet new friends and get engaged in new activities.

Of course, under current “stay at home” conditions, one can't attend groups or go out to meet new friends. It may be a long haul, but eventually we will be able to resume our exercise groups at the local fitness center, go to our favorite restaurants and attend our outside interest groups. In the meantime, stay in touch with old and new friends by email, texting, video chats and even letters. Develop fun in-home activities.

“Just sayin'…” we can do this. Keep the cheer. That's what I'm doing.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.