Be more supportive of those dealing with long-term grief

Many people just don't understand long-term grief. They think you should "get over" grief, and expect you to do so.

Friends and family are usually very helpful in the immediate aftermath of death, but after a few months, most think you should be getting better. There are reasons for this.

The No. 1 reason is they likely have never experienced the death of a loved one. They just don't know, so they don't understand. They have no idea.

A close second is people sometimes just block out thoughts about death. Or mostly block it out. It's a self-protection mechanism, I imagine.

In addition, our society, as many of us know, is a "death denial" culture. In general, after the funeral and a couple months have passed, one is not supposed to talk about death or your inner feelings. People are expected to return to work, almost immediately, a few days off if lucky, and just return to regular activities and feel OK. Some believe a sympathy card and initial condolences mark the end of further need to sympathize or talk about the death.

So if friends or family just start blocking your loss out, there's little one can do. They just put down a mental shield around themselves and do not think of it.

Our culture seems to support this avoidance approach. That's the essence of death denial. People may even be bothered or annoyed if the bereaved friend or relative breaks into tears over an old memory or keeps talking about the lost one. It's sometimes hard to handle some of the remarks people make.

Of course "getting over it" is not how it works, in reality, for many bereaved, especially if the lost one is a spouse, parent, child, sibling or very dear friend. The death stays on your mind and grief lingers, sometimes forever.

Recognition of "death denial" was first discussed in books and articles here in the U.S. 50 years ago with the landmark "five stages of grief" theory by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and books by Robert S. Weiss, who interviewed widows in the late 1960s and 70s and published their experiences and feelings after losing their husbands.

But even Weiss' book was a bestseller, I think it was mainly read by widows and people working in the field of counseling. Unfortunately, it seems long-term grief must happen to you for you to grasp it. This is just human nature, I suppose.

I hear this often from readers: "People just don't understand," "They think I should get past it, and get on with my life," "They don't understand why I still get upset and cry."

They don't understand because they don't know. Now, it's true you don't need to personally experience something or behavior to understand it. Social science has shown us that through research, interviewing and field work, one can understand lots of different situations and ways of life. But I think the death of a close loved one is different. When it happens to you, then you understand.

I got the idea for my blog, and then this column, about five years after my dear husband Baheej died and I realized my grief was not going to go away. So I had to come to grips with that and start thinking of ways to cope with and manage grief for the long term. This has helped me a lot. And I do take my own advice!

I have a friend who writes very moving poetry about the death of an infant daughter years ago. She still encounters people who do not understand why it still pains her. Another friend grieves over her mother who died 30 years ago. And I have an endless list of people who are still grieving years later.

So the point is: If you have a family member suffering from long-term grief, do not ask "why." Don't be impatient or make unthinking comments. Just try to be understanding.

Counseling can help people in grief, yet not everyone is willing to seek counseling. Just be supportive and keep your advice about "getting over it" to yourself. It won't help and will hurt your relationship. Actually, you are lucky if this has not happened to you.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.