Getting through the holidays without loved ones

Holidays can be a difficult time once loved ones have passed.

This last spring other people celebrated Mother's Day and Father's Day as they always have. But, my sweet father is dead. My beloved husband Baheej is dead. My dear brother Nic, who is a father, is also gone. My Mom is gone. So are Baheej's parents. This makes a holiday like Father's Day or Mother's Day quite odd and sad.

We used to make a fuss over those special days. Gifts and barbecues on Father's Day, even though we usually made the men grill their own dinner! I clearly remember Dad overseeing a backyard barbecue of hamburgers, steaks, chicken, and hot dogs. Baheej also was good at barbecue. But now, no more Father's Day gifts or steaks on the barbecue.

On Mother's Day, we used to go out to a local fancy restaurant and treat Mom to a beautiful meal that she did not need to cook herself. When I was a girl, we always went out to Maddens Resort on Gull Lake up in northern Minnesota on Mother's Day. It had a lovely formal restaurant with all sorts of delicious dishes on the menu — fresh fish from the local lakes and Lake Superior white fish, chicken, steaks, prime rib … many courses. And we always took my Grandmother Anderson. Everyone very dressed up in their best. It was a lovely place and many other families from town were there. We were friends of the owners so we got lots of special attention. It was quite elegant and we had flower corsages for Mom and Grandmother. Vivid memories. That's how it was.

So what to do now?

Well, first of all, some of your own children, nieces, nephews, in-laws, and siblings are fathers and mothers. So that is a good place to start. I sent e-cards to our own dear sons on this last Father's Day. That was fun.

And when it comes to other annual holidays, wedding anniversaries and birthdays — they can also still be celebrated. I always put a couple wrapped Christmas presents under the tree for my husband Baheej. In addition, I usually celebrate his July 23 birthday here with dinner for him and my dear friend Diane who has the same birthday. That's always cheering.

I keep a Dutch-style perpetual birthday calendar with all the family dates marked — not just birthdays, but anniversaries, other special occasions. This type of calendar is a great reminder of these special dates — so celebrate, say a prayer, or have a toast to the loved one. I think actions such as these help a lot with grief.

This last Father's Day I went out to a nice lunch with a friend and we remembered our fathers, Baheej and her husband Andy.

On Mother's Day I usually go to a special brunch with a friend, or even by myself. Our grown-up family lives far away and usually can't be here. But it's nice to be out at a restaurant with community people and especially with happy families on those special days. And I love to get happy calls from the children.

Holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries are notoriously difficult for the bereaved. They usually trigger sad feelings. All the old memories come flooding in, especially if these dates are concentrated in a certain month or season. But there are some actions one can do to anticipate and temper these sad feelings:

• An obvious one is to celebrate anyway and use it as a time to remember happier days. This takes some effort but helps. I do it.

• Get together with friends and do positive activities, even something as simple as going out to dinner, or to a park, or to hear a music concert.

• Be sure to express your feelings while he or she is still here.

• And remember all the love and caring you received from him or her.

My parents and dear Baheej are still alive to me — in memories, photos, shared experiences, the children, and a treasure chest of affection I can still feel. There is an country song that goes like this: “If tomorrow never comes, did you know how much I loved you? … Will the love I gave you in the past be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes … Cause I've lost loved ones in my life who never knew how much I loved them.”

So the point is: Act in life. Don't postpone expressions of love and caring. And it helps if you continue honoring and remembering your lost one on special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. This helps keep memories of them with you, and probably makes you feel better.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Ander

son-Kleif-Susan/.