Losing a young love

His name was Bob Markum. It was the start of World War II, early 1940s. My mother was about 19 or 20 and engaged to him.

They both were raised and lived on wheat farms down in Oklahoma He went to war and died at Pearl Harbor.

She told me about it when I was growing up, not because she loved my father any less, but just because it was an important memory to her.

She married my father about three years later. Oddly my father's name is also Robert and went by Bob.

So they were a World War II marriage, having met at Cimmaron Air Field in Oklahoma and moved to Minnesota, and raised four children, us.

This is not an uncommon experience — losing a young fiancé or young partner. Though unexpected, death does come to young adults — cancer, war, a car accident.

This is not my only experience of such sadness in my family. A dear young relative lost a serious boyfriend who was only age 29, totally unexpected — heart attack. Another friend lost a fiancee two weeks before the wedding.

People can manage and cope, and have a new life, as my mother did. But it's another kind of “invisible grief” that people may not know about or — even if they do — they do not understand the impact on the bereaved.

They just figure that the people are young and they will “find someone else.”

And this can be true, the young do go on and often find another loving person. But the memory is there.

My mother mentioned him once in a while, usually at the Fourth of July or anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attack — not because she wished for that other life, but just because it was part of her life as a young woman.

She never said anything about him except his name and how he died. As a child, I didn't realize there was probably more to it. But as adults we can do better.

Be aware of those young adults who may be suffering from invisible grief. Think about it and extend yourself to understand.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.