Nostalgia can be comforting

A while ago, our daughter Leah told me that my writing is full of "longings."

I suppose she is right.

It is hard not to have longings when you have lost someone very dear, especially as the years move on. One cannot help wishing life was like it used to be, and missing how it was then.

Nostalgia is a related feeling. I find that "longings" and "nostalgia" often go hand in hand, but are different.

Basically nostalgia can be immensely comforting, something like the sensation felt looking at old photographs or listening to old favorite music.

Nostalgia is a type of "remembering" that lets one re-experience pleasant times or feelings. Happy holidays or old shared experiences. There is a type of nostalgia that is not "wallowing," but is just a flashback to happy days. For instance, I always think of my husband Baheej when I see pretty rose bushes in bloom. He used to plant them for me in our yard and loved roses himself. He said his father was a great at growing roses.

One time, the first of June just before I held my Motorola staff meeting at our house, he planted about 20 blooming rose bushes in the front garden, and on the way to our front door, and in pots on the front porch. It was beautiful and people were duly amazed to see roses blooming so early in the year!

So I get pleasantly nostalgic when I see roses blooming, and I think of Baheej and his love and thoughtfulness.

Here in the Chicago area with our cold winters, many rose bushes do not make it through the winter, but a few do. It was always fun to see those few come back in spring. And then Baheej would just go to the nursery and get new rose bushes to replace the ones that perished in the freezing cold, ice and snow.

Nowadays there are no rose bushes in our yard, except one old hearty "wild rose" bush, but I have lots of "rose photos" and it's nice to think about all those roses and Baheej enjoying planting them.

Longings are different than nostalgia. More intense, but unavoidable - and they are a "caution zone." It's important not to get trapped in unattainable longings. This leads to too much sadness and makes it hard to cope with and manage long-term grief.

Sometimes I do "long" for something as simple as feeling Baheej's hand rubbing my forehead, something he did when he knew I was very tired. Sometimes I long to just hear his voice or talk with him over a cup of coffee.

Sometimes I long for our international travel together because travel was a big part of our life.

But getting too deeply into "longings" for the past is a bottomless pit and drags one down.

So the point is - enjoy nostalgia but beware of intense "longings." Put up some personal defenses by living in the present and the future, while still remembering the happy times of the past. This is what I've tried to do, and it helps.

Sadly, we can't have our old life back. We can't bring back our beloved parent or friend or spouse.

But some ways to surround yourself with pleasant nostalgia include:

• Keeping up family holiday traditions

• Continue making favorite foods

• Go to favorite restaurants or places you enjoyed with your loved one, whether a spouse, parent, or friend.

• Play favorite shared music, watch a favorite old movie.

• Do a little daydreaming of happy times

• Keep in touch with shared friends, and activities.

We must do what we can to manage - it's a long journey and best if there are some nice feelings along the way.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.