When a parent loses a child, or a child loses a parent

My only connection with death as a child is that I lost my dear grandfather Anderson when I was only 12. It shocked me and made me very sad.

I guess we children knew he had some health problems, but never thought of death. I came home from school one day and Mom was not home. Only the housekeeper was there. She's the one who told me that my grandfather had died and my parents were off arranging the funeral.

I didn't know what to do. I just went upstairs to my room.

The next days were a blur to me. According to my memory, we children were not even allowed to attend the funeral. But my brother Nic said, "No, you were there at the funeral, sitting right next to me."

So I must have been in a daze. I do know they never really told us what happened to grandfather. We were left thinking maybe a heart attack. He was only 59. I still don't know what happened. But I know I missed him and still do.

I have a good friend whose mother died when she was only 16. It was a traumatic experience, and still is when she thinks about it. She's still grieving all these many years later.

Most people do not understand long-term grief - except those who experience it.

Her mother was a very special person - loving, fun, joyful, creating a warm and happy home environment. Her death really broke up the family and many sad events ensued.

Sixteen is too young to have to deal with death. Furthermore, she had lost her dear grandmother, who lived with them, only four years earlier at age 12. So within four years she had lost both and, as years moved on, she found out there was a great void as an adult - not having a maternal figure in her life.

And we know that multiple deaths "add up" and, I think, make one even more susceptible to long-term grief.

There are reverse situations too - When a parent loses child.

I have a friend who lost an infant daughter years ago and has never gotten over it. Still grieving. She's a poet and has written poems as a way to grieve and honor her child.

In the distant past it was not unusual to lose a child, but no one expects it in modern America. My husband's grandmother lost a son to drowning and was in mourning the rest of her life.

There is a sad, but lovely poem written by a man who lost a young daughter that goes like this - "Oh Lord, how could you take the center jewel from the necklace".....he was unable to understand or accept the death of his daughter.

Miscarriage is another source of grief for many, another way of losing a child, but is something virtually never discussed. It causes a type of "invisible" grief, usually not even acknowledged by people around the bereaved.

Even worse, there are many insensitive platitudes people say, like "There will be other babies." Or "well, it was very early in the pregnancy." Very insensitive, but you may have heard such phrases.

There is an episode of the British period drama Downton Abbey where the maid Anna finally tells someone about her miscarriages and how sad and afraid she is when she again becomes pregnant.

Many readers have written to me about their experiences and grief after losing a child, a young child or an adult child. And something to remember here is - that the lost child usually has siblings and cousins, so they also experience loss and grief.

Grief today is also a "problem" because of modern medicine - there are so many miraculous cures and surgeries - that we all expect everyone, including ourselves, to live to very old age.

So the point is: Try to be aware of people in these circumstances - those who experienced grief as a child or those who lost a child, whatever age - and extend yourself.

Don't be surprised if they are still grieving many years later, Or at least recognize the problem and the complicated feelings attached. These feelings can become long-term grief and persist for decades, perhaps forever.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.