Get the help you need and avoid pitfalls

One problem after the death of a spouse or parent is that eventually you may be overwhelmed with the huge amount of sad feelings, so many tasks, and all the responsibilities you face.

Especially as the months and years roll along, you probably feel there is more than you can handle alone.

And if you are having any health or financial problems yourself, you need help. It may feel odd if you are used to "taking care" of everything yourself - keeping up the household, cleaning, cooking, working, errands, shopping, car repairs, etc.

But this is part of adjusting to change - seeking help. You may need a housekeeper to do regular cleaning or take care of your parents' vacant house, or someone to do special projects like clean out the garage, do the yard work, lift things, run errands, fix the doorknob that fell off, help with the inevitable paperwork after a death, do taxes, or even grocery shop.

You may need a good grief counselor. Help4grief.com is a good resource for support groups and counselors. There are community and social services out there that will help you with little or no expense.

Most restaurants do home delivery now, and there are places to order groceries and have them delivered and retail stores to order what you need and then pick up on a drive-through.

There are people or friends to help you walk the dog or "cat sit." There are delis at the local grocery store with already cooked and prepared foods. I have a friend who doesn't cook at all and relies on the grocery store salad bar and deli, and "take out." It works. And if friends are coming over, there are many things to serve that do not require any cooking.

Luckily there are services out there - so it's good to adjust by using them. Finding a housecleaner is usually best done by networking with friends. I found my current great housecleaner by asking members of my exercise class and, sure enough, got a great recommendation.

I also have someone to mow the grass, to plow and shovel the snow.

Further, one must be alert to avoid "pitfalls." After the death, and as the years roll on, some of the pitfalls you may face are:

• Overeating and gaining weight, which is a health threat.

• Painkillers that become addictive or other drug dependency

• Alcohol, pleasant to some in moderation but not good in excess.

• Isolation, too much time home alone.

• Wanting your "old life" back

• Living in the past

Here's some ideas on how to address these pitfalls:

• "Comfort" eating is notorious and when feeling sad or vulnerable, it is easy to rely on pizza, mac and cheese, lasagna, cookies, chips and ice cream. So better to take an interest in "healthy" eating and make it yourself - salads, vegetables, chicken, turkey, fish. You'll feel better.

• The pitfall of painkillers and other addictive drugs is well-known these days. It's everywhere. Be alert and seek help if needed. Of course there is legitimate physical pain that needs attention, but this is a danger zone. Find another way to cope.

• Same thing with alcohol. And it's also fattening! Be aware and find other means of relaxation. Always moderation. Easy to say, but important to your long-term ability to deal in a positive way with long-term grief.

• Isolation can lead to more isolation, loneliness, and feeling down. The best thing to combat isolation is to join some positive groups whether exercise class, cooking classes, church groups, coin club, email with friends, or call your friends to chat and stay in touch, join bridge club or poetry club or other club of your interest, volunteer, join a dance club, invite friends over, go to local festivals and fairs, putter about in the yard or plant flowers and herbs on the patio or balcony. Go for a walk and say "hi" to the neighbors. Go to a favorite restaurant or coffee shop and be among the "regulars."

• Wanting your "old life" back is a pitfall because it is not possible, won't happen. So that's a dead end street no matter how much you wish it. Believe me, I know. Not possible. So keep all the old memories and good feelings, but look forward. Make your new situation into a positive life where you can be sustained and eventually feel some happiness. Rely on family and friends to help with this.

So the point is: You must live in the future, not the past. And so stay in the world of the living. This is the best way to avoid these several pitfalls. Get the help you need and feel better.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.