Getting phone calls from the past
Do you get phone calls and mail for your dear one who died several years ago?
I do.
If I had dollar for every phone call, or every piece of USA mail, I've gotten for my dear husband, Baheej, who died over six years ago, I'd have a nice little stash.
Luckily my friend Diane warned me about this - that phone calls and mail would still be coming years later.
Even my banker warned me about this - she advised me to keep my husband's name on one bank account so I could deposit stray checks in Baheej's name when they would inevitably arrive. So true and such checks did arrive and still do.
Actually, just as I'm writing this column, I got a telephone call asking to speak to Baheej. No kidding. I try to be polite. Turns out the "opt out"and "do not call" lists do not work! The calls keep coming.
This business of phone calls and mail from the past is distressing, of course. But as far as I can tell, there is no way to stop it. Every call is a reminder. I usually just say, "not here," or "he died" and hang up.
What can we do?
Well, the first thing is not to take it "to heart." These constant calls are not intended to hurt, it's just cyberspace at work. Once a phone number or name and address is out there, it's hard to retrieve it. I suppose these calls and mailings will go on forever - both the telemarketing and marketing mail to your beloved spouse. Marketeers have the contact info and will keep using it.
This also applies to your parents, you will continue to get their mail for years, especially if you were the executor or forwarding address.
Secondly, try not to be irritated or upset. Just "dispatch" the calls and forget them. Better to protect your own peace of mind.
Third, adjust. The ability to adjust to change is a hallmark of intelligence.
Losing a special person requires a major adjustment. It does not require "acceptance." And, sadly, you can't have your "your old life" back. We all must find a way of living without him or her. Don't let these incessant calls and letters get you down.
So to the point: Each call or letter sets off a sad memory about missing your spouse or parent. Now, there's no easy way around this problem. One just has to apply all the positive coping mechanisms available to you, and try to be positive and strong:
• Forget or ignore those calls and letters from the past
• Do something nice for yourself today
• Do something nice for a friend
• Enjoy your pets
• Cook a favorite meal.
• Go to your favorite restaurant
• Celebrate the seasonal holidays and festivals as they come along.
• Look out side at the sunshine, or at the pretty snow, or at nice view.
Try to be happy and enjoy the small pleasures of life. Your loved one would want you to have a nice day. A nice day is not to be underestimated!
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.