Age difference in relationship a factor in how you experience grief

Some people seem to never age. Some don't look their age, don't feel it, and don't act their age. They even say, "age is a state of mind." One sensation I often have is that "on the inside" I feel much the same as I did when much younger. Self image and identity are often anchored in that "younger you."

Notwithstanding all this, age is an important aspect of our lives. It marks our forward development and many rites of passage. Rites of passage mark new phases with no turning back - birth, parenthood, graduations, marriages, even death.

Age at death, age differences, and whether young or old, are all factors that affect the impact and ability to cope with and manage grief, and especially long-term grief. And of course, age affects one's ability to anticipate the inevitable.

Along with age comes not only growth, education, more family and friends, but also life experience. And life experience counts for a lot when it comes to managing grief. People accumulate more coping skills with the ups and downs of careers, family, and daily life.

Age difference in relationships is also big factor. In my case, my husband was 14 years older, which didn't seem important when we met. I was 22 and he was 36, and when we married, 27 and 41. But of course 44 years later, it did matter. It was in the back of my mind I suppose. But Baheej had such a joyful personality and we had a happy, good and comfortable life. So I was sure he'd live well Into his 90s like the philosopher Bertrand Russell who lived to 94 and in full possession of his faculties!

I was really convinced of that even though my father, before I married, asked me, "You know Baheej is older than you are and you'll have to deal with that some day. Do you think you can?" And of course I said, "Yes I can." Well, I did and I am still doing, it but it's not easy.

Sociologists have a useful concept called "anticipatory socialization" that applies to many things including grief in some cases. The basic idea is that if you realize ahead of time that a change or something tough is coming up, you can prepare mentally and physically for it, and you are better able to handle it.

So when it comes to grief, the idea is that long-term illness, or some other event, will give you "lead time" to start adjusting. But I'm here to say, although this is my own field and profession, it doesn't always work that way. Baheej had a string of medical crises for 10 years but always overcame them. Modern medicine is quite miraculous. So when his time came with an unexpected stroke, I was definitely not "anticipating." It seemed sudden and shocking.

Other people with age differences in relationships may be better prepared than I was to accept and manage death and subsequent grief. For instance, in large families there may be 15 years between the eldest and youngest siblings. And big gaps between parents and the youngest children. This "age difference factor" may help one prepare somewhat for the death of parents, elder siblings, or friends.

But age difference is not always a buffer for intense sadness.

Age of your lost one, relative to you, can be a factor in ability to cope with grief. If there is a large age gap, somewhere deep down you knew something would happen one of those days. But If you are close in age - well, it hits very close to home.

Age at death, young or old, is of course also related to the intensity of grief - yours and the feelings of others. If a parent dies when a child is young or a teen or young adult, it is a terribly tragic experience. No way around that. If an elderly parent or sibling or friend dies, one can be partially consoled by the knowledge that the person lived a fulfilling and long life. it's so very sad but more expected, not easy but life on earth is finite, as we know. We have all heard those phrases, "Lived a long and good life," or "Did not have to suffer." And there is some truth in such sayings.

But in my experience, the nature and closeness of the relationship is bigger than age.

And with modern medicine, most of us live to be very old. My own parents overcame colon cancer, prostate cancer, high blood pressure, two brain tumors, skin cancer, arthritis, and lived to be old. Of course we baby boomers think we will live forever!

So the point is

• Age difference

• Age at death

• Relative Age (to you)

• Modern medicine all play a role in our preparation, understanding, and ability to handle grief and long-term grief. Knowledge may help you in anticipation and managing your own grief or help you support grieving friends. The more we know and anticipate, the better prepared we are to cope.

But this is not an academic issue, it's emotional. And this is especially important to understand because the new year is here - which is a joyful and hopeful, but emotional, time of year. So as usual I will make a New Year's batch of my husband's favorite sweet milk pudding, haytaleh, with its cinnamon topping, and think of him and his bright smile as he enjoys it.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at DailyHerald.anderson-khleif.