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Grief changes over time

There is a saying, "Time heals." This is true about the flu, scratches, cuts, the common cold, and many other physical ailments. But It's not really true for grief, especially long-term grief.

However, grief does "change" over time. This process of change helps somewhat.

The first change is that some of the intense grief in the immediate aftermath - with all the physical symptoms of aching in the chest, nausea, fog, disorientation, inability to eat, crying every day, awful dreams, and replaying those last days in your mind ease off - they get less painful so you can manage better during the day.

This takes a few months or even a year or so. But it helps. The first year is especially intense and difficult.

It helps because one can start doing some of the inevitable practical things - figuring out a long-term money plan; developing a household and living plan handling or selling property; sorting out all the belongings; paying bills; figuring out what to do on holidays.

In my case, that first year, we temporarily suspended the annual family reunion in New Hampshire because it was only two months after my husband's death. It just didn't seem doable or bearable without him.

After that phase of initial, intense grief, then the next big change is trying to figure out how to live "everyday life," without your spouse, parent, child, or friend.

The activity of everyday life helps temper grief, although the grief is still lurking around you. And everyday life is not ever the same after the death of dear one. So you must create a new everyday life.

This takes quite a bit of work and determination. And it may require many changes in lifestyle, activities, and habits.

No more daily telephone call with your mother. No more morning coffee with your spouse, etc. All of this change is difficult and confusing, and upsetting. So you must think it through, take your time, adjust, get a grip.

And the next change is to start facing "the long term," which is a huge challenge.

My dear husband, who died six years ago, was 14 years older than I am, so the "long term" could, indeed, be long.

As far as I can tell, there is some change and some "relief" from the most the intense feelings of grief over time. And I've seen this happen for many friends and acquaintances.

This helps of course, because it allows people to function and have some new happy and pleasant times with friends and family.

Time may not "heal," but it can help make grief more manageable. Time helps you find your "path."

Some tips:

• Stay in communication with friends and relatives.

• Enjoy the little daily things that come your way

• Build a positive everyday routine and "life. It's better to stay in the world of the living.

• Try not to dwell on negative thoughts or sad memories.

• If you have pets, enjoy them. They are fun and they need you. And you need them.

So even if the grief does not really "heal" or go away with "time," you can manage and cope with long-term grief - and still find some positive things to experience. Your loved one would probably like you to try.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at DailyHerald.anderson-khleif.

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