Multiple losses add up to increased grief

Loss and grief add up.

I have lost all four grandparents, my own parents, all my six aunts and uncles, two brothers-in-law, a sister-in law, several dear friends, my beloved husband Baheej, and my dear brother Nic, whom I grew up with as a buddy.

Something like this may have happened to you, or it might in the future. This particular problem is now facing the baby boom generation, — losing not only parents, but friends, cousins, and siblings.

I think, as sad things pile up, that relying on our friends and family is the best defense.

My mother's dying request to my eldest brother was “stay in close touch with your sisters and brother.” She was the family communicator, so my brother took over that role and he was great at it.

Someone dear to me said something a while ago: “I've lost my mother, and lost my father, I feel as if everyone is gone.”

My response was, “Many of us are still here, we will stick together.”

And this is true. Even if you are coping with many deaths, there are still family members, friends, neighbors, who love you and care.

Take comfort in that and invest in those relationships. They will be sustaining.

What can you do when the grief from multiple losses threatens to overwhelm you? Consider these actions:

• Nurture your relationships with friends and family who are still with you.

• Invite people over and stay active. Continue your hobbies and special interests.

• Learn new things, go to new places.

• Still go to favorite old places.

• Try to think forward, not backward. There are still nice experiences ahead.

• Help others. There are many around you facing this human inevitability so it's good to extend yourself to others. This is very healing for you too.

Looking at old photos also can help. It's good to have them framed and in view.

I just got an old family photo of my siblings and parents when we were young, probably taken in 1972, the week before my sister Mary's wedding. We were with my parents who were then in their early 50s. There we were — corduroy, long hair, silk shirts, bell bottom pants — how fun is that?

I have another nice photo of myself and siblings with our grandparents Anderson, when we were small children. Looking at these old photos brings good memories to mind.

Nothing can be done to stop the “march of time” and the losses that come with it. But be aware that cumulative grief can intensify your feelings of loss. Seek the help and support you need.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at DailyHerald.anderson-khleif.