China is resilient and so are you

Fine china is actually quite tough; it does not chip or break easily. It is made to be seen, enjoyed, and appreciated. It is resilient, and so are you.

A lot of china can even go in the dishwasher, and should be used not just for Thanksgiving and New Year's, but often. And there is a great company that has replacement pieces for old patterns, so if one gets broken, though unlikely, it can be replaced.

I have lots of pretty dishes, several different patterns of china and porcelain, and I use them a lot, actually every day.

My dear husband Baheej loved pretty china and personally picked out four of our patterns. He usually started from the shape and feel of the espresso cups - and then went from there to all the rest of the place settings.

At one point, when he was commuting between Boston and Chicago for two years, he back filled our Massachusetts kitchen with a very pretty set of antique china my mother helped him find at an estate sale. It has fall colors and I still try to use it in the fall. It is from pre-communist China and post-WWII 1950s Japan - two complimentary intermixed patterns with the same colors.

Lots of nice memories are associated with meals and gatherings of family and friends using particular china table settings.

When my Grandfather Anderson died at age 59, my grandmother pretty much fell apart for two years.

She was the generation where women were usually not involved in family finances, insurance, taking care of cars, business or other money matters. She didn't drive. She ran the house; raised my father, their only child; loved and nurtured her extensive flower gardens; and was a great cook. So many women of that time were left adrift when their husbands died.

But she did recover, got a grip, and became quite a world traveler. She was "resilient."

I have a friend who describes coping with long- term grief as "finding a path" - a path for you to return to, or a way to stay in the world of the living. I think there are many possible paths, but it must be your path.

It is not about "getting over it" or "getting on with it," that is not what happens. For many, that never happens. You must find some path that allows you to live everyday life in a positive way, one that sustains you.

This may take time. Finding a way to bounce back and cope with grief takes a little doing and some effort. One must look inside for inner strength and it is probably there.

We are more resilient than it seems at first. Look inside. Find your path.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.