Grief sometimes seems almost invisible

In some circumstances, you may not feel you need to offer support to a person who lost someone because they do not appear to be grieving.

1. "Too busy to grieve." In some cases the person is working, has young children, or young grandchildren, and is very busy providing for and taking care of a household. The "busy" person sets personal grief aside and just carries on … busy, busy.

People may interpret this activity as "doing well," or "getting along ok." This plays right into our cultural expectation that people should "get over it" or "get through it" and "get on with life."

We have the notorious "three days off work" policy - barely time to arrange a funeral - and then are expected to be back to work and back to "normal."

People assume the person is doing "well" because he/she is functioning. That's true on the surface, but underneath the grief is there and may turn into long-term grief that is still in the heart 15 or 20 years later.

2. Death of an ex-spouse. People assume because there was a divorce, it doesn't matter as much. This is wrong in many cases. Perhaps the ex was the mother or father of their children. Maybe there were many shared years together before the divorce. Just because it is an "ex" doesn't mean there isn't grief.

3. The grief of children. Many try to shield children from the death of a father, mother, grandparent, friend, uncle, or other person important to the child. The child knows and often must handle it on his/her own.

I know when my Grandfather Anderson died, the housekeeper is the one who told me. Many people do not even take children to the funeral.

We admire how Jackie Kennedy carried herself with dignity, not crying. And how their son John-John saluted his father's casket as it went by on Pennsylvania Ave.

This sort of thing reinforces the death denial still deep in our culture. Of course therapists know children grieve, but I think everyday people, including friends and relatives, just try to shield the children and don't dwell on the death or it's impact on children.

So, what to do?

Many bereaved find counseling or "grief support" groups very helpful. That's worth exploring.

When my father died, 20 years ago, I got some counseling which was very helpful. Nothing very intense, just some good practical advice on ways to ease the grief - such as getting out some old photos and putting them around you to remind yourself of happier times.

And it was helpful just to talk about it with a good listener.

If you are family or a friend of the bereaved, here are some tips:

• The "busy, busy" person often unintentionally "masks" their grief, but it is there. Remember to include these busy people in your barbecues, phone calls, parties, emails, and special occasions. Also include children - they all need a break and diversion.

• If it's the death of an ex-spouse, don't assume it's easy because, "after all, they were divorced." Unless it was an abusive or otherwise very unhappy marriage, the ex-spouses often still have a relationship, especially if it was a long marriage. Offer your support and understanding.

• Children grieve too, and should not be forgotten. Remember the children, not to dwell on the death, but to acknowledge it, and let them talk about it. Take them to funeral and memorial services if they want to go.

By being aware of these forms of "invisible" grief, you can be more helpful to your family and friends.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.