Respect the bereaved's spiritual beliefs

This is a complicated topic, but important.

I grew up in northern Minnesota among people mostly of Scandinavian decent, some Irish, a little German. The basic rule in families was not to discuss religion or politics at a social gathering, and not really at the family table either.

But religious ideas are important when it comes to dealing with death and long-term grief.

I was raised as a Methodist and confirmed in the Methodist Church. Later, because of my husband, who grew up in Nazareth in the Holy Land, I moved to the Antiochian Orthodox Church where I am now. (Greek Orthodox). Basically it has the same belief system as Methodists.

So that's my personal perspective, but there are many other perspectives.

Now there's the dilemma - some people are religious with a specific religion; and some are spiritual, but not "religious" in the sense of "organized" religion. Some don't believe any of it, or have "left" their childhood religion.

So when a dear one dies, how does all of this work out?

Many people go ahead with some type of religious ceremony or funeral service, but that only covers the first week or so, then people are mostly on their own.

Some do a memorial gathering or a nonreligious celebration of life gathering a few weeks or couple months later.

I recently read an article that made an impression on me, given to me by friend Julie. It was about aging, but applies well to long-term grief. One idea was that if you have a religious belief, savor it. Live your faith and beliefs. But don't try to force them on others.

This is also true in coping with death. It's good to recognize there are many ways to grieve and many ideas about what comes next.

And I add that there are many "paths" to managing long-term grief. Of course, at first you don't know it will be "long term." But if it becomes such, one must find a way to cope with and manage your grief over time.

So the point is - if you are religious and believe a certain way, let that be a comfort. If spiritual, the spirit will be around you. If not, rely on inner peace and support of your friends and family; remember and appreciate the person you lost.

We all need to find our own "path" to healing or managing grief.

If you are a friend or family member of the bereaved, support them and respect their ways, even if the arrangements and rituals are done differently than you would have done.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.