Coping with the death of a sibling

My brother Nic died on June 26 and his memorial gathering is Sunday, Aug. 26.

We grew up together, buddies only one year apart. He was the eldest, me the second. Our other two dear siblings Mary and Rex, came five and seven years later. A baby boom family of two girls and two boys.

There is a lot of research that shows for most people losing a sibling is right up there with losing a spouse or a child in terms of intense grief. I knew this, but it's a whole different thing when it happens to you. And it is often the source of long-term grief.

Nic lived up in northern Minnesota where I was raised, with his dear wife, Joni, and his daughter, Nicole, and her husband, Andrew, who live just a couple hours away, down in Minneapolis-St. Paul. His career was as a very successful and beloved high school and junior college teacher in American history - his master's degree was on the plight of the Native American Plains Indians, and especially the tragedy at Wounded Knee.

And for many years he was mayor of his pretty small town, up there in the lake country. He had many, many friends, was kind, very smart, a great husband, father, and brother. He had a great sense of humor. He always made me smile. He had his wife built a darling home out on a big piece of land many years ago on the outskirts of town. He did a lot of the internal finishing himself. Lots of animals, even bears coming through the backyard and up on the decks. Yipes!

The last time I was there a couple years ago, which was my 50th high school reunion, we spent lots of time just sitting in the living room talking and watching football games on TV. Nic was having some ankle problems, so we rented a wheelchair and he went to the reunion with me. And since he was only one year older, he knew lots of the people. And he was a great sport about the wheelchair. We had lots of fun connecting with old friends, most of whom I hadn't seen since high school. He was OK then, just couldn't walk on that ankle.

The day after he died, I heard from two old friends who had lost their brothers. so they understood the depth of this. One friend, whom I grew up with and her brother was my age, so we knew each other well, was at the reunion. My other friend also lost her brother, who was her best friend. She still grieves for him.

It's hard.

I've also heard from many friends who knew Nic or know about him, all very supportive. Helps a lot.

My brother had overcome so many health crises, one gets to feel modern medicine can overcome anything. But this time, they couldn't save him, his heart just gave out. I'm comforted to know to know he knew what was happening. He met with his doctor who was truthful with him. He said, "just let me go." And he talked with his wife, Joni, and then talked with his daughter and son-in-law, whom he asked to "take care of them."

And the doctor asked him if he wanted anything. He said, "Yes, a beer." That made me smile. He could always make people smile. When he was young, he was almost a stand up comedian. They gave it to him, right there in the hospital and he drank it. Later in the day, he lost consciousness and died peacefully the next morning at 6:30.

He was an early riser. Early morning always was a good time for him.

So we have to find a way to cope and manage.

Not wanting to be alone on the day, I went with my friend Mary to exercise class and it was very nice to be among exercise class friends. And in the afternoon I went to a medical appointment for myself and got good news. And I stopped for lunch and thought of my sweet brother.

Life is complicated.

So the point is, losing a sibling is tough, so seek all the help and support you can.

The memorial gathering for Nic is up in northern Minnesota. I traveled there with my sister, Mary, who lives in Denver and her two children, my niece and nephew, and we are staying at a pretty lodge by one of the lakes near where we grew up. So, a nice family reunion along with a sad time … a celebration of life gathering.

In a different act of memorial last year, my dear sister-in-law Noelle brought her own brother from California to New Hampshire and put his urn in our Khleif family plot. These acts of memorial and remembrance are very important.

People grieve in different ways. My friend pointed out that some people like initially to stay by themselves and think. I'm in the group that is better off with people at such a time. Follow your heart. And know that the death of a brother or sister is very hard and may become long-term grief, so use all the positive coping methods you can.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.