Getting back to everyday life; the hardest challenge of all

Everyday life - now here is the greatest challenge of all.

Better to be ready for it, and manage it in a positive way. Everyday life means years without your beloved spouse, parent, sibling, child, aunt, uncle, or close friend.

This will take all you can muster because each day is different than before the death. Some people are used to talking to their mother or father every day. Or waking up a child each morning. Or going to lunch with your friend at work. Or making daily plans with your spouse.

Basically, you need to invent and adopt a new everyday routine. Of course, by necessity the routine is now different.

In my case, we always started the day by sitting in our "love room," off the kitchen. That's what Baheej, my husband, called it. And it was always a happy start to a new and fresh day no matter what the demands of work or the day before.

We would have coffee and review Baheej's writing from yesterday, and install his edits. He was writing novels. And we planned our day, and talked about our future travel and upcoming family events.

In the eve, we always had dinner together, discussed current events and politics, and watched the news. Or, while we were commuting to work in downtown Chicago, we'd stop at our favorite Greek Taverna for supper on the way home.

Of course all this was gone after his death. It left quite a void in everyday life. So what next?

Here's where I started: Baheej said, "It's important to enjoy the little things, not just the big things" - looking outside at nature, a nice meal, a meeting with a friend, a flower. He loved the book "The Little Prince," who loved a single flower that made him happy.

Baheej defined intelligence this way: "Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change."

So I started there.

And I think of these two things every day - Enjoy "little things" and "adapt to change." They have helped me a lot.

But how does one adjust to monumental change in everyday life?

I think the first thing is to maintain some continuity, even though many things have changed. And best not to make immediate radical changes. Think any potential large changes through before acting; take your time.

Then, get the help you need. Whether for the house, apartment, yard, finances or food, seek the advice and services you need.

The next thing is to keep good daily habits, eat healthy meals, and maintain regular schedules the best you can.

Next, avoid isolation; be in touch with people - friends, family, neighbors, groups, activities.

One thing you may not expect, but happens, is that there are indeed continued moments of sadness - this is the expression and manifestation of long-term grief. It usually just sweeps over you unexpectedly on a regular day when all else is OK.

Sometimes you even feel very alone or sad even when with friends or family. It is triggered by a thought, or a certain song, or food, or smell, or even a beautiful view you know your dear one would enjoy.

Those episodes usually get less frequent over time, but they still crop up from time to time, and just come over you. You may wake up crying, or just suddenly feel sad. This is natural. They still happen to me six years later. But they will pass.

Try to find someone who understands this and probably has to cope with the same sort of feelings.

Rely on some nice moments and pleasant habits during the day.

A certain image is very vivid to me. It's the landlady where Baheej lived when he taught in Denmark years ago. She rented a couple rooms to visiting professors. She was an elderly widow with a sweet house near the city center of Copenhagen.

Baheej would come back in the evening and find her sitting in her living room with an appealing supper tray in front of her. Nice china. Danish cheeses, breads, ham, vegetables, a little pastry or two.

Sometimes she would ask him to sit down for coffee and a pastry. This made an impression on him, and on me too. She took time, although alone, to fix a pretty meal for herself and enjoy it.

So I fix such a supper tray for myself.

Find your own way to enjoy the little things of everyday life.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.