Give your money to the undeserving poor
Back in the ancient times, when our ancestors smoked nonfilter cigarettes and were sometimes shot for trying to form a union, there was a group of people called "the deserving poor."
The deserving poor were poor, but they worked when they could, they were religious, they didn't drink, they produced children only inside of marriage and they didn't steal. In other words, they were the same people who were shot for trying to form a union.
According to the people who ran charitable organizations, the deserving poor were the proper object of all charity because any money you gave them wouldn't be spent on liquor, or prostitutes, or stuffing the mouths of their illegitimate children with fried chicken.
We return to the notion of the deserving poor now as the next round of stimulus checks comes rolling off the government presses. I know people who complain that a lot of the stimulus money will go to people who were poor before the pandemic, are poor now, and will be poor after the pandemic. To the people doing the complaining, too much of the stimulus money will go to that woman, 60 pounds overweight, with a menthol cigarette hanging out of her mouth who is heading into a gas station for a box of $1.99 nachos, some scratch tickets and another pack of menthols.
And this, of course, is exactly what you want.
Say what you want about the undeserving poor; if you give them money, then they spend it right away. And they spend it on the kind of bad-for-you stuff that drives the entire economy. And they spend a lot of it on stuff that's heavily taxed. If you give me $1,400, I'm likely to put it in the bank. This not only shows that I'm smart, but it also shows what an awful coward I've become as I've gotten older.
No. You want to give that money to someone who is going to spend it on cigarettes made in America and whiskey made in America. Not only is that patriotic, but both items are so heavily taxed that the undeserving poor person is returning maybe 75% of their check to We the People.
And lottery tickets? Sure, given the minuscule chance of winning anything big in the lottery, sinking the stimulus check into scratchers is the most patriotic thing an undeserving poor person can do other than join the military, another popular choice among the undeserving poor.
I love the undeserving poor. They're colorful. They swear well, and they drive a services-for-poor-folks economy that embraces everything from laundromats to buy-here, pay-here car dealerships specializing in high mileage five-year-old BMW sedans for baby drug dealers. They also provide middle-class employment for bailiffs, "grant writers" and people who screwed up and got a college degree in social work. If you have a college degree in social work, you better hope they don't run out of undeserving poor people.
So, party on, "professional recipients"! No matter what they say, you do not embarrass the government. Given free money, you return it to the government as quickly as possible, and you keep the reekingly rich members of the Walton family from having to get construction jobs.
If I see you on the street, and you have a neck tattoo that says, "Blood Killah," I nod at you and smile because I know you're the one who is going to spend us all out of this mess.
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