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Grammar Moses: I'm not lying — finally a primer on 'lay' and 'lie'

Tom Muellman of West Chicago asked that I tackle a subject I've been reluctant to, given its complexity. But because my sister, Jenny, asked me to do the same, and she'll bug me until I do, here goes:

“Your recent column regarding the confusion folks have regarding 4 “r” words reminds me (a former English teacher) of the difficulty in trying to teach 7th- and 8th-graders the differences between lie, lie, and lay,” Tom wrote.

“On another topic, what will happen when cursive is no longer taught in grammar school?”

First, the easy question.

My chicken scratch is a combination of cursive and the block writing I learned in a drafting class at the U of I. It's an inconsistent mess.

When cursive is no longer taught, Tom, I think old guys like us will shake our fists toward the heavens and no one will care.

“There is no cursive on a keyboard,” they'll say.

Now for making the distinctions between “lay” and “lie” and conjugating both.

It should be noted I'm not talking about the fibbing kind of lying.

First, “to lie” is an intransitive verb, meaning it doesn't take a direct object. “To lay” always does. One lies on the couch. One lays his clothes on the elliptical machine, because that's the primary purpose of elliptical machines.

When someone tells the dog to “lay” down, he is misspeaking.

If you tell your bridge partner to “lay” down, you're telling her to put her cards on the table, not take a nap.

Now, to conjugate:

Lay (present tense): I “lay” the magazine on the table.

Lie (present tense): I “lie” on the floor when my back is sore.

Lay (past tense): I “laid” the magazine on the table right after my wife cleaned it.

Lie (past tense): I “lay” on the floor until the spasms subsided.

Lay (past participle): Why have you laid that stupid magazine on the table I just cleaned, jerk?

Lie (past participle): I “have lain” on the floor for three days now. Won't someone help me up or at least feed me?

Lay (present participle): I am not laying any more reading material on the recycling pile until this blows over.

Lie (present participle): I am lying on the couch for a couple of days. It's softer than the floor, at least.

Gaffe patrol

My column has become an invitation for criticism of the Daily Herald and other newspapers, some good-natured, some not. Much of it is warranted.

Here are some recent examples of booboos that would make me smile if I weren't wincing:

“In a recent article about refurbishing an antique tractor the mechanically-inclined brother first 'dissembled' the tractor,” Bob Anderson of Wheaton wrote. “Not sure who hid his feelings, the brother or the tractor.”

To dissemble is to hide one's feelings. The word should have been “disassembled.”

Another story Bob cites reads: “In an apparently tragic accident, a baby was shot in the head.”

Bob's point is it obviously is tragic that a child died. There is nothing apparently tragic about that. What the writer intended to convey is it hasn't been determined whether it was an accident. This is another case of a misplaced modifier.

Bill Murray of Palatine sent this: “I note a story in the Daily Herald where a man was charged with 'domesticated battery.' I have several packages of those in AAA, AA and D sizes. Much easier to use than batteries that are still wild.”

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.

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