Wachowskis' uninspired sci-fi thriller descends into confusion, convention
For all its valiant attempts to pump some "Matrix" magic back into science-fiction films, the Wachowskis' ambitious interplanetary thriller "Jupiter Ascending" amounts to a lot of recycled hot gas.
Lana and Andy Wachowski appear to be channeling their own uninspired prequel to "Star Wars A New Hope" with noisy, protracted slow-motion action sequences, strange intergalactic critters, lame dialogue (mostly centered around the subject of "trust"), plus generically dull characters performed by major stars going through robotic motions of passion, desperation and pain.
Once again, the Wachowskis tap an unsuspecting "anointed one" as their action-prone protagonist.
Once again, Chicago suffers severe alien vandalism, the worst of its municipal life since Michael Bay practically leveled the Loop in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon."
"Jupiter Ascending" offers a fractious, fractured fairy tale about a modern-day Cinderella, Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), who cleans the toilets of wealthy Chicagoans with her poor Russian mother.
Jupiter's not your standard, drop-dead sexy, unattached Russian-American cleaning woman with stiletto eyebrows, either. Nosiree.
Her genetic code matches that of a 100,000-year-old outer space queen who has finally kicked the celestial bucket. She leaves behind three ungrateful offspring upset that they can't take over the universe because some Chicago cleaning woman's genes make her next in line for the throne.
Back in Chicago, several naked, emaciated E.T. minions (yech!) try to assassinate Jupiter in a hospital.
Suddenly, a buffed alien named Caine (Channing Tatum), borrowing Mr. Spock's ears and Iron Man's rocket boots, appears.
He saves Jupiter and whisks her off to a rural safe house overrun by a zillion honey bees that flock to her side.
"Bees," says Caine's pal Stinger (Sean Bean), "are genetically predisposed to recognize royalty!"
She doesn't understand why Stinger addresses her as "Your Majesty." The bees do.
The insects' internal royalty detectors tip us off that "Jupiter Ascending" has no interest in plot points conforming to any degree of internal logic.
Later, a ridiculously absurd aerial alien assault over Chicago vaporizes Willis Tower and practically destroys the city's skyline.
No worry. Caine tells Jupiter that the buildings will be restored in a matter of minutes, and the entire population will be hypnotized so they will never know it happened. (Will anyone even notice that people killed in the attack are suddenly missing?)
Continuing to lower audience expectations, Oscar-nominated actor Eddie Redmayne lethargically pushes out breathless words as Balem Abrasax, the nastiest of the queen's kids. (You know he's evil because he addresses Jupiter by arrogantly walking to a huge window and talking into the glass instead of looking at her.)
Balem wants Jupiter dead!
His conniving sister Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) prefers honey to poison. She seeks to befriend the Earthling.
Kalique's devilishly handsome other brother Titus (Douglas Booth) devises a more diabolical approach to total power: He'll marry Jupiter, then kill her.
Through the constant, confusing assault sequences and vaguely identifiable settings, "Jupiter Rising" almost loses sight of its most driving, frightening plot point - that Earth, many eons ago, was created by a superior race as a farm planet that would one day be harvested for its human livestock.
You might think the Wachowskis would put a modern, feminist spin on their Cinderella story by ascending Jupiter into the ranks of a bona fide action heroine.
But she turns out to be a conventional disappointment, just another damsel in distress dependent on her proletarian prince to save her at the end.
“Jupiter Ascending”
★ ½
Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Directed by: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
Other: A Warner Bros. release. Rated PG-13 for nudity, violence. 125 minutes