A mom’s point of view: Lessons from Charlie Brown

One of our daughters received an “F” on a math assignment, and her father and I congratulated her: we were so proud! Not because of the grade, of course; that was the result of not reading the instructions thoroughly, and consequently making the same mistake on every single problem. But because she is such a conscientious student, and demands a lot of herself, the more important issue, and the question I asked my daughter, was, “What did you do when saw that you had failed? How did you handle that?”

She told us that to her surprise, she didn’t fall apart. She talked with her teacher, was able to redo the assignment, and she learned that her mistake didn’t cause a global catastrophe.

All three of our daughters have perfectionistic tendencies. I think these traits are both hereditary and learned, and in our case, evident on both sides of the family tree. My husband felt pressure to perform perfectly in school and in sports growing up, and as an adult, he carried that pressure with him into his career. I strive for perfection in almost every area of life, with a few exceptions, such as closet organization and keeping our master bathroom clean. I can be hard on others, and even harder on myself. We know that no one can possibly attain perfection in everything, in every moment, but that doesn’t stop us perfectionists from trying.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with feeling a certain amount of pressure. In fact, most of us need external and/or internal motivation in order to accomplish anything. But when the pressure to perform becomes too great, when it is intricately woven into the fabric of our self-perceptions and identities, and when we don’t make allowances for failure, problems arise. Anxiety can quickly spiral out of control, and the terrifying possibility of failing or not measuring up can paralyze.

Early on, these characteristics in our daughters showed up in moments of intense frustration: a preschool child, driven to tears, because she can’t manufacture a Polly Pocket cruise ship out of a Kleenex box, and her desperate parents, trying to figure out what the master plan was and how they can just fix it so their daughter will stop the hysterics. Or a young student, ripping out every page of her notebook, repeatedly starting over, because her printing is not as perfect as her older sister’s.

As our daughters’ skill levels have grown along with them, comparisons have been made, sisters feeling “less than” because of differing grades, accomplishments and natural talents. And in an increasingly competitive culture, I sometimes watch my daughters back away from opportunities that interest them because they know they won’t be the brightest or the best.

Our challenge as parents at times has been to push, but more often it has been to help equip our children to handle disappointments, in others and in themselves. We want them to understand that their worth does not depend on their performance. That they will never grow or really succeed if they cannot handle messing up. And we want them to know that when they do miss the mark, it’s not the end of the world.

So that is why we celebrated the way my daughter handled receiving an “F.” Sometimes our kids need us to do for them what Linus Van Pelt did for Charlie Brown in “A Boy Named Charlie Brown.” In this 1969 film, against all odds, Charlie Brown makes his way to the national spelling bee finals, and then to the final round, where he is disqualified for misspelling, of all words, “beagle.” Sadly, he returns home, and spends the next day in bed, feeling depressed.

His best friend, Linus Van Pelt, comes to see him, and the following dialogue ensues:

LVP: “Well, I can understand how you feel. You worked hard, studying for the spelling bee, and I suppose you feel you let everyone down, and you made a fool of yourself and everything. But did you notice something, Charlie Brown?”

CB: “What’s that?”

LVP: “The world didn’t come to an end.”

Ÿ Becky Baudouin lives in the Northwest suburbs with her husband, Bernie, their three daughters, and their puppy, Lila. She blogs regularly at beckyspen.blogspot.com.