'I will die a happy man'

Editor's note: On the cusp of his 60th birthday, John Fieser's daughter arranged for him to attend former Chicago Cubs catcher Randy Hundley's fantasy baseball camp. Fieser, of Naperville, has played with and captained competitive softball teams since the mid-'70s and is a long-suffering Cubs fan.

The weeklong camp in Mesa, Ariz., includes twice-daily intersquad games, building up to a game at the Cubs' Hohokam Park pitting the campers against former Cubs players who serve as coaches.

Fieser took his laptop to camp, too, and e-mailed reports from Arizona to family and friends back home. We're printing edited versions of his dispatches, which will run through Friday.

Check-in: Jan. 25

Checking in at the Dobson Ranch Best Western, it seems I have two more waivers to sign, including one that states no matter what happens to me, I won't sue anyone connected to Randy Hundley's Baseball Camps Inc.

If I die here playing baseball, I will die a happy man, having been engaged in an activity I can't get enough of. It's kind of like W.C. Fields' proclamation, "Die in a vat of whiskey. Death, where is thy sting?"

At 6 p.m., there was a get-acquainted reception in the banquet room. Lots of good-natured, although some merciless, needling. Randy Hundley was the main speaker and gave us all more information about the program. There are 92 participants on eight teams, and Randy introduced the 16 coaches. They are:

Rich Reuschel/Jose Cardenal (This is my team); Keith Moreland/Ron Coomer; Jody Davis/Lee Smith; Don Kessinger/Glen Beckert; Willie Wilson/Todd Hundley; Ferguson Jenkins/Joe Pepitone; Ed Lynch/Bob Dernier; and Leon Durham/Larry Biittner.

The week should be pretty challenging. Two games every day, culminating with Saturday's "Big Game" - Campers (us fantasy guys) vs. Cubs coaches at Hohokam Park.

Day 1: Jan. 26

Breakfast is included in the program. You can go for the mega-cholesterol breakfast (scrambled eggs, hash browns and sausage), dry cereal with milk, or muffins. Afterward, vans took us to Fitch Park, where the real Cubs practice. Once I located my locker, I found the following:

• two uniform shirts;

• home jersey (white with blue pinstripes and blue letters/numbers) with last name on the back above the number;

• traveling jersey (blue with red numbers, no name on the back);

• pants (white with blue pinstripes);

• belt;

• blue stirrup socks;

• and white sanitary socks.

There is a small stool in front of the locker with the Cubs logo on it. I'm next to a guy whose nickname is Wombat. Don't ask ...

Next was the morning meeting. Basic stuff was gone over, such as the need for us to hydrate because of the dry air and the need to use protection in the sun.

Keith Moreland singled out a guy, a rookie as it turns out, who had red sleeves under his Cubs jersey. "Let me tell you something: Those red sleeves don't bleeping work here."

An obvious reference to Cardinal red, I'm thinking. Got a big laugh.

We were told what our day was going to include: warm-up, batting practice, fielding practice, intersquad game, lunch and another intersquad game.

We all got onto Field 4 about 10 a.m. for warm-up. Once done, we were sent to our designated field for batting practice. One team batted - six pitches per player, while the other team was in the field shagging balls.

I picked out what I thought would be the best bat for me - a 33-inch, 30-ounce aluminum bat (all are aluminum) that would allow good bat speed and adequate plate coverage. Leon Durham was the coach feeding the pitching machine.

I rocked. I hit all six pitches, four of them hard. I was pumped - I felt I was ready for the game. But first, some fielding practice, then the teams paired off for intrasquad games.

My team is coached by Rick Reuschel and Jose Cardenal. There are 11 players, of which one is female (actually, there are three women among the 92 campers). One of the players is 75, another pushing 70, then there are several 50-somethings, the rest are 40- or 30-somethings. We have brothers and a father-daughter combination in there as well.

For those of you who have played baseball or softball and might be hesitant to try a fantasy camp, don't be scared away because you think you may not be good enough. You may have heard the term "5-tool player," which refers to a player's ability to excel in five skill categories: hitting for average, hitting for power, base-running skills and speed, throwing and fielding.

From what I've seen, using a fantasy camp standard that I just made up based on the games I've seen, here is how I rate the 11 members of this team:

• one 5-tool player;

• three 4-tool players;

• three 3-tool players;

• one 2-tool player;

• and three no-tool players.

Not trying to be cruel here, just being honest. I don't think winning should be a primary concern to campers, so skill ratings aren't all that important, but that doesn't mean I didn't notice what the skill levels were. What is important is that we do the best we can and encourage each other when a good effort is made, and congratulate and just feel good for the weaker players when they contribute in a positive way.

We played the Moreland/Coomer team. Remember, I was pumped after batting practice, thinking I was ready for this, and I had the bat picked out. I was chosen to lead off, not for my ability, but because I think I was the first one of the group who got signed up.

The "pitcher" was a machine that some referred to as "Iron Mike." I waited for the first pitch. I missed it badly. I took the next pitch for a ball, but then whiffed on the last two pitches. Strike three, your first at bat is complete. Sit down.

I was dumbfounded. How could THAT have happened? I watched others hit after me and noticed that many of them were also way ahead of the ball. I figured that was probably my problem, too, so I got a slightly heavier bat.

I had a little more success with that, getting the bat on the ball my second time up but not getting a hit. Third time up, I did an "excuse me" swing and got a single to center. I think I made one more out before the game was over. Machine 3, John 1.

Fortunately, my fielding was better than that. After spending most of the early innings in right field where I got just one ground ball, I got moved to left field, where I immediately had a fielding chance - a rocket hit down the line that I ran down and caught. All of a sudden, I became a competent outfielder.

But, bottom line, we lost the game in the last inning on a very strange play where the batter hit a pop-up to the area where the first baseman or pitcher should have caught it. Our pitcher at the time had no fielding skills and the first baseman had a bad jump on the ball, so the end result was that the winning run scored from second base on that puny little "hit." Game over, and we're 0-1, having just beaten ourselves. But it's not just about winning, right?

We broke for lunch and it was pretty decent - roast beef, mashed potatoes, salad and a choice of beverage. Again, more fat and cholesterol, but this must be the way they do it in "the bigs."

After I finished my meal, I went to the trainers room to see what kind of action they were getting. I couldn't believe my eyes. All the tables were in use after just half a day.

Sad, but pretty much predicted by the coaches who must have said to us 10 times or more not to "push it," that most injuries occur on the first day. Maybe that should be changed to the first morning.

In the afternoon, we played the Durham/Biittner team. This team found our weaknesses really quickly. Those who were able pounded the ball to the right side of the field where we had our two weakest fielders. We battled to a tie at the end of seven innings, so went to an eighth inning, where we scored 4 runs after 2 were out, but then they scored 5 to beat us. I went 3 for 4 in the game with 3 two-out RBIs, including in my last at bat driving in what could have been the winning run in the eighth inning if we'd been able to keep them from scoring. But, hey - it's not just about winning ...

So, for Day 1, I had a decent day at the plate, going 4 for 8, all singles, with 4 RBI and maybe 3 runs scored. I made one error in the field - on a fly ball when I was playing left field. It was hit higher than I'm accustomed, so I'm blaming the infamous Arizona "high sky" for the error.

Things I learned today:

• Leon Durham smokes.

• Larry Biittner smokes.

• Rick Reuschel smokes.

• Jose Cardenal appears to be very quiet and shy.

• Keith Moreland's X-rated vocabulary - it's constant. He related a story about why he was icing his knee.

Basically, it went something like this: "I played four bleeping years of football in bleeping Texas, and then played baseball for 11 bleeping years and never had bleeping knee surgery. I bleeped up my knee hunting and have to have bleeping knee surgery."

That's probably not verbatim since I wasn't running a tape recorder, but it's close.

• Ron Santo was not feeling well at the Cubs Convention and continues to feel poorly this week, so will probably not make an appearance.

• I have no desire to see any more former professional ballplayers naked.

• Coming Monday: Day 2 - Everyone needs a massage.