The dos and don'ts of stressed-out couples

Q. My boyfriend has been under a huge amount of stress lately, mostly due to financial issues. We live together and I try to support him in any way I can (working overtime, helping with yard work, waiting on him when he's not working). With the stress and busy pace of our lives, I've been feeling as though my emotional needs aren't being met. I'm not expecting candlelight and roses, but there's very minimal physical affection and I can't remember the last time he said "I love you." Sometimes I'll get a "You look good today," but he's easily annoyed and snaps at me often. With all the other stress, I don't want to burden him with relationship issues unnecessarily. Would you say I'm being too needy? -- M.

A. I'm not there, so I can't say. Neediness that doesn't show up on paper can seep into gestures, tone, timing or all three in the form of gratuitous sighing.

But since "I'm not touching that one!" doesn't fill a column, here's a handy or at least minimally obnoxious Bill of Rights for stressed-out people (SOP) and the people whom stressed-out people stress out (TPWSOPSO):

(1) SOP are entitled to extra care.

(2) This is not carte blanche for SOP to snap at, shut out or otherwise mistreat TPWSOPSO. Communication gets more important, not less, and rules for mutual consideration of feelings are never suspended.

(3) SOP have a few get-out-of-jail-free cards for trampling said feelings, as long as they ungrudgingly admit and regret the slip. (Bonus points if it's unprompted.)

(4) TPWSOPSO have a right to call attention to these slips, after careful consideration of their significance.

(5) It's thoughtful for TPWSOPSO to provide an emotional cushion, but it becomes a disservice when TPWSOPSO start absorbing their own resentment.

Some things need to be aired and addressed, in times of all but catastrophic stress. (See 9.)

(6) In return for their efforts, TPWSOPSO have a right to expect SOP to focus on fixing the cause of the stress.

(7a) TPWSOPSO need to understand that stress can kill libido.

(7b) SOP need to ensure, to the extent they can, that the stressful times don't drag on indefinitely.

(8) Both SOP and TPWSOPSO are fully entitled, and in fact should be encouraged, to draw larger conclusions from: the source of the stress; its duration; and each other's behavior under this stress.

(9) They are also encouraged to apply these conclusions accordingly, at an appropriate time. (No dumping people at funerals or as they're being wheeled away on gurneys.)

(10) You've done no wrong if you've done your best.

Q. My son, "Mike," is getting married. His fiancee is having Mike's stepmother stand up with her, even though they met after she started dating my son. The stepmother and I hate each other, therefore I feel my son should tell his fiancee the stepmonster should not be in the wedding. I refuse to go if she is. What should I do? -- Mom or Stepmonster?

A. Your son's fiancee has a close relationship with his stepmother. She is entitled to attend, painful as it may be for you.

If you want any relationship at all with your future daughter-in-law -- and, ultimately, with your son -- you'll put on a pretty dress, a grown-up smile and go.