Hudson, Hathaway wasted in IQ-abusive comedy 'Bride Wars'

Things don't look all that auspicious for movies in 2009.

Not when the first one I see in the new year is "Bride Wars," a frazzled comedy that not only insults the intelligence of audiences, it plays into every base and over-exploited stereotype of women being reduced to silliness by the sheer prospect of getting married.

"Bride Wars" begins with Candice Bergen narrating the story as the smug wedding scheduler at New York's posh Plaza Hotel, a device that instantly reveals the laziness of three screenwriters (Greg DePaul, Casey Wilson and June Diane Raphael) who employ Bergen to do all the expositional heavy-lifting, comment on the obvious and verbalize the moral-to-the-story, in case any viewers possess single-digit IQs.

Bergen's Marion St. Claire tells us how childhood pals Liv and Emma each made a vow to be married at the Plaza in June and each would be the other's bridesmaid.

Now adults, the assertive Liv (Kate Hudson) works as a cutthroat attorney while the placating Emma (Anne Hathaway) teaches at a middle school. Their lifelong dreams appear to come true when their always reasonable respective lovers Daniel (Steve Howey) and Fletcher (Chris Pratt) pop the question. More important, the brides-to-be can get Plaza dates of June 6 and 27. Can life get any better?

Aaarrrrriiiiiip! Cue the sound of a needle skipping over a 45 rpm record, one of the few clichés not in "Bride Wars."

Their weddings accidentally get booked on the same day. Neither bride wants to abandon her dream date to become a mere bridesmaid.

Suddenly, these two lifelong buddies devolve into bitter rivals who will stop at nothing to sabotage each other's special day of happiness.

If you wonder what dirty tricks they play, just take a gander at the TV commercials and trailers for "Bride Wars." They reveal all the movie's big surprises.

One of the tactics involves Emma secretly sending cookies and fatty desserts to Liv so she'll be too big for her svelte Donna Karan gown.

Liv wails to Daniel, "She's trying to make me fat so I can't fit into my dress!"

Duhhh, ya think?

Actually, it's difficult for Liv to blame Emma when Liv eagerly downs entire sticks of butter simply because she thinks her loving fiance sent them. Liv is supposed to be the smart one.

When a sunny June 6 arrives at the Plaza, it's a perfect day for a wedding. Just to be sure viewers know this, Bergin narrates, "It was a perfect day for a wedding. Two weddings!"

Hollywood movies tend to cast major roles with actors of relatively equal talent, to avoid the very problem that plagues this movie. The cute, but limited Hudson practically gets wiped off the screen by the charismatic Hathaway in every scene they're together.

Hathaway fills Emma with conflict and sadness, even as she's plotting to color Liv's hair blue right before her wedding. Hudson may produce tears on cue, but hers is a superficial, mannered performance more attuned to a TV sitcom than a motion picture.

Former "Third Rock From the Sun" star Kristen Johnston nails the plum comic relief role of Deb, Emma's alcoholic fellow teacher who serves up most of the film's limited laughs.

She heads a cast of supporting women characters who respond to news of Liv's and Emma's engagements by indulging in an array of self-destructive behaviors such as popping drugs, downing alcohol and sucking up half-gallons of ice cream.

"Bride Wars" has been directed with limited flair by Gary Winick, whose previous live-action version of "Charlotte's Web" proved to be a much more winning experience than this irksome mess.

Don't blame Winick for too much here. His three screenwriters provided him with a script that reads like an anthology of movie catchphrases: the passe "Oh, my God!" (four times), "I can't do this anymore!" (two times) and "Trust me!" (one time).

And now, I can't do this anymore.

Trust me.

<p class="factboxheadblack">"Bride Wars"</p> <p class="News">1½ stars</p> <p class="News"><b>Starring:</b> Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Candice Bergen, Bryan Greenberg, Chris Pratt </p> <p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Gary Winick</p> <p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A 20th Century Fox release. Rated PG. 100 minutes</p>